The following is an article that I've shared many times - particularly when family members are trying to navigate a loved one behaving in addiction. 
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Written MAY 6, 2018 BY RON GROVER, PARENT & ADVOCATE

I feel deep empathy toward parents just beginning the terrible journey of their child’s drug addiction — and those facing the turmoil of a potential next step: rehab, incarceration, considering dislodging your child from the family home. Examples like these are still fresh wounds for my wife and I.
We have learned and faced several difficult lessons throughout our journey, all of which we previously denied in the beginning. We constantly fought with ourselves and each other about these things. It didn’t matter who was telling us the truth, because we knew better. After all, he was our son. We have come to accept these truths, and today it is much easier to deal with the heartache. We have become more effective at helping our son through his addiction, and much more effective at helping ourselves through the process.

1. Parents Can Be ‘Enablers’
We love our sons and daughters. We would do anything to remove any pain they are feeling. We would do anything to take away the addiction and smooth the tough road ahead. We would give our life if it would help even a little.
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I once wrote a letter to my son about using drugs. I used the analogy of him standing on a railroad track when a train (drugs) is coming forward as fast as ever, blaring its horn. However, during all of this, he hears nothing. I told him it was my job to knock him out of the way and take the hit because that’s what fathers do. I now understand that I was wrong all along. All that would do would leave me dead on the tracks, leaving my son alone to stand on another set of tracks the next day.
We raised our children the best way we knew how. At some point, they made certain decisions that led them down this path. In the long run, we can only support them and provide different opportunities to help them make the right decisions in life. That is why different role models such as sponsors, recovering users, police officers, probation officers, correctional officers, pastors, and counselors should all work hard to show the person struggling the correct path. Unfortunately, this tends to be a difficult thing to do. However, at times, we cannot always do what they need when they need it — we cannot always prevent them from hurting, because they need to experience the natural consequences of their actions in order to get better.

2. Parents Cannot Completely ‘Fix’ This on Their Own
This statement is regarding what I have previously wrote above. This is a problem only the person with an addiction can fix. A concept such as this is very hard for a person like me to accept because I try to fix everything. No one is allowed in the addicted person’s mind except them. They are the only ones that can decide to change their lives, for better or for worse. This will not end until they decide to end it. Many times, parents try to make that decision for them and it only winds up resulting in more frustration and failure. What parents can do is help encourage them to seek help or treatment, and let them arrive at the decision themselves.

3. An Addicted Person Can Be a Liar
An addicted person will say anything to hide their addiction, and will take any action to mask the problem. I honestly believed at the time that they did not realize they were lying and they just said whatever they thought a parent would want to hear. I believe that children seek approval from their parents and look to give us pride. I believe that people struggling with addiction dislike themselves and do not approve of what they are doing, but believe that they have no way out. Their only mechanism for survival is to seek some kind of approval through lies, even if they know they will eventually be caught. As a father, I believe that ‘approval’ offers a similar instant gratification similar to drugs. Even a glimpse of approval from a loved one gives them a certain kind of rush, even if it lasts for a couple seconds. When my son tells me he is not using, I really don’t hear it. I tell him often, “My eyes can hear much better than my ears.” Just as we seek evidence of their using, we must seek evidence of their not using. Do not rely on faith alone that they are not using, just because they have spoke those words. And when you do catch them doing something positive, when they’re not lying, give them positive reinforcement — even if it’s for something small.

4. An Addicted Person Can Be a Criminal
Symptoms of this disease can definitely include illegal behavior. That is why my son is incarcerated. Face up to it, Dad and Mom — He has made mistakes and he must pay the price. As some may say: “It is his debt to society.”
When we see others who are incarcerated in the spotlight, we tend to think about how much they deserve to be there. However, our babies are nothing like that, right? We can justify and separate the wrongs by misdemeanor and felony, but those are only legal terms. Every person is someone’s child. Overall, I now understand that my son has illegally done many things to land him in jail. He must pay for his wrongdoing and must understand why that is so. Again, it’s part of the natural consequences of his actions that I can’t save him from; only discourage him from.

5. Others Might Not Want An Addicted Person Around
My son has wronged many people and I have come to terms with this. It is OK to feel uncomfortable around drug users. We are his parents and family, and it is unconditional love that keeps us by his side. It is not wrong for friends or relatives to have their own feelings and pain about this situation. Some families in this situation have may give great support and stick by their side through thick and thin. But some people decide they can’t handle the trouble the person struggling brings to them, and they make the decision to break from them. We, as families, get to make the choice and there is no wrong choice — either one is OK. You have to do what’s best for you and yours.

6. Life Will Not Be The Same
At 5 years old, my son thought he was Michelangelo of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He used to run around the house with an orange bandanna tied around his head, brandishing plastic weapons and fighting evil. When we look at our children who are addicted to drugs, at times we see that 5 year old and mourn the loss of a child. We would try anything to get them back.
My son is now a 21-year-old man. He is an adult, with a child’s maturity at times. However, our world recognizes chronological ages, not maturity levels. Parents must learn to do that, too. I will always believe that Michelangelo is lost inside of him. Those that are lost sometimes find their way back, but some do not. I can grieve this loss, but it will not help either of us in doing so if we don’t move forward. A person who is addicted does not live in the past or the future; they live in the here and now. If you want to help someone struggling, you must live in the same world they do, and understand where they’re coming from.

7. Homelessness May Be The Path A Person Who is Addicted Chooses
My wife works in downtown Kansas City. When you drive down there, you can see people living on streets and under bridges where they hold up signs asking for food or money. They are dirty and they are hungry. They can very likely be someone struggling with addiction or suffering from mental illness. They are sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins, and friends to someone. That doesn’t change their situation. If our son makes the decision to live this way, it will hurt me terribly but he will do this until he thinks it is time for him to change. I can try to help, I can try to encourage him to seek help, but I cannot make him change.

Why is This Important for Parents to Learn?
We struggled mightily against these truths and have fought with every ounce of strength. We have lost our fight and have accepted what we wished would not be true. My learning is: until you understand the truth, you cannot find peace within yourself or really be able to help your child who is struggling with addiction. Accepting the truth, and proceeding from there, allows you to help both yourself and your child.

I do not hate my son for using drugs and for putting all of us through this pain. I hate the lying, the stealing, the using. I love my son very much, but I hate his ways. It is perfectly okay, and necessary, to separate the two.

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I hope this helps. If it connects, here's a link for Al-Anon (a group dedicated to helping family members who've been affected by alcoholism and/or drug abuse.
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Are They Genuine or Just Saying the Right Things? If I were a math teacher, I'd correlate this to someone having a cheat sheet for math problems; they'll get it right but they're still clueless as to how it's right. And when it comes to relationships, the cheat codes merely require a few minutes to memorize.

Have you ever met someone who says all the right things—apologies, self-awareness, therapy lingo—but something still feels… off? As a licensed therapist, I’m noticing that people can regurgitate therapy talk – but it’s only because they’ve spent time studying ‘what to say’ vs. doing the work (aka: walking the walk). 

Here are 3 powerful ways to tell if they mean it or if they’re just regurgitating personal growth phrases and saying the right things.

1.Look for Patterns, Not Just Apologies

• A genuine person shows consistent change over time.
• A disingenuous person repeats the same behavior but uses the right words to smooth it over.

2.Emotional Depth, Not Just Vocabulary

• A genuine person can admit mistakes, takes accountability and accepts uncomfortable consequences.
• A disingenuous person either dodges or spins the story to stay the hero or victim.

3.Emotional Reciprocity, Not Just Self-Focus

• A genuine person focuses on the other person’s emotions and needs.
• A disingenuous person makes it all about themselves.

Therapy language can be mimmicked, but emotional depth can’t be faked. 

If you enjoyed this, you may also like the JedSaidTherapy video in the playlist, "your therapy questions answered" and until next time, awareness UP.

Jed Thorpe
​Licensed Therapist

Being rejected by someone you care about is ROUGH! This is something I’ve experienced myself. I remember the exact moment—it was April 2, 2022, early afternoon. I was sitting on the couch with my wife when I got a text from a friend I had known for 35 years. We’d been friends since I was 14 or 15 years old. Best friends. To me it was a kinship.

He had been busy working on a doctorate, so we hadn’t hung out much in the past year. Initially, I was excited to hear from him thinking he had finally graduated, but that excitement didn’t last long. The message said, in a kind and thoughtful way, that he valued our memories but didn’t want to communicate anymore. It was a polite message—he’s the kind of person who thinks carefully about his words—but even so, it felt like a punch to the gut.

How is someone supposed to react to something like this? I’d been talking a lot about boundaries in my sessions with clients, so I responded with, “Okay, I respect your boundary.” That was that. I showed the message to my wife and said, “I have no idea what’s going on.” To say that the next few months were difficult would be a huge understatement.

For months, I kept asking myself the same questions over and over: Why did this happen? What did I do? Could I have done something differently? I even wondered if maybe he didn’t like one of my videos—after all, I have some that aren’t exactly great. Or maybe he got involved in some secret organization and had to cut everyone off for safety. My brain went in every direction trying to make sense of it.

It also didn’t help that we were part of a close-knit group of four friends. When one of us bailed so completely and without warning, it made me wonder if the others would reject me too. It was a tough time. Eventually, I decided I couldn’t stay in that group anymore. I sent a message in our group chat explaining the situation but in short saying, “Hey, I’m out.” I just didn’t feel safe in that dynamic anymore and it was emotionally safer for me to bounce than to continue in the friend group that I’d had for 30+ years.

They were a cool bunch of guys and discontinuing the connection was a huge loss. But I had to make that decision for my own well-being. At the time, it gave me a sense of control, though in hindsight, I could have done things differently. Still, it was what I needed at that moment.

Losing a friendship, especially one that meant a lot to you, can bring up a mix of emotions—sadness, anger, confusion, and frustration. These feelings are normal. Let’s talk about some things you can do to help yourself move forward.

1. Acknowledge Your Emotions
It’s important to express how you feel. You can do this by journaling, which activates different parts of your brain and helps you process your emotions. Or you can verbalize your feelings. I know that might sound strange, but try saying out loud, “I feel sad,” or “Hello, anger.” It sounds simple, but it’s a mindfulness exercise that helps you pinpoint exactly what you’re feeling.
Just to be clear, when I say to acknowledge your emotions, I don’t mean wallow in them. Acknowledge them and move on—don’t sit in the sorrow for too long.

2. Reflect on the Positive
Focus on the good memories you shared with your friend. My friend’s text said something like, “I will value our memories,” and I think that’s great mental health! Gratitude – I like it. It’s okay to grieve those good times, but don’t slip into the mindset of, I’ll never have that again, or They’re out having fun without me (which is where my thinking was veering towards before sending the break up group text).

Instead, remind yourself how lucky you were to have those experiences in the first place. That shift in perspective can make a big difference in how you feel. Of course, it’s easier said than done, but practice makes better and it’s a step toward healing.

3. Focus on Yourself
Use this time to create something meaningful in your life. It’s okay to distract yourself a little, but even better, find a new purpose or hobby that fills the gap left by the friendship.
Life isn’t always good, but it’s always moving forward.
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Instead of getting stuck in the pain, think about how you can grow from the experience. For me, losing that friendship made me appreciate the other friends I have. It also made me reflect on my own behavior—maybe I’m not as great at communicating as I thought, and there’s room for me to improve. Maybe I could be a better friend.

4. Figure Out What You Could Do Differently
Your brain will keep circling the situation unless you give it some closure. So, ask yourself: What could I have done differently? This isn’t about blaming yourself, but about learning and growing. It gives your brain something productive to focus on instead of spiraling into anxiety about future friendships.

If you’re watching this and thinking, I need to end a friendship too, just be upfront about it. If my friend had told me why he was ending things, I think it would have helped me process it better. But I didn’t ask why at the time—that’s on me. It’s all about living and learning.

Remember, it’s okay to seek support when you need it. Don’t hesitate to reach out to others.

If you’ve gone through something similar, share your story in the comments. Let’s support each other through these challenges. It’s okay to feel your emotions, and it’s okay if life isn’t great all the time. Hopefully, this helps you get through the tough moments. One thing I like to think about is how the happiest times of my life are still ahead of me.

Thanks for reading! If you want to see more content like this, head over to the website at www.jedsaidtherapy.com or the youtube channel @jedsaidtherapy where you'll find a video on this exact topic (video #196). Lastly, keep your chin up. You've got this.

Until next time, awareness up.
Jed Thorpe, Licensed Therapist

After a couples therapy session, it’s not uncommon for partners to experience heightened emotions or disagreements. The most likely psychological explanations for an argument post-session include:

1. Unresolved Issues: If the session stirred up unresolved issues that weren’t fully addressed or resolved during the therapy, it might lead to an argument as emotions continue to run high.Encourage open communication outside of therapy to continue discussing and resolving issues. Setting aside time (and time limit) to talk in a calm and non-confrontational manner can help partners work through unresolved matters.

2. Emotional Vulnerability: Therapy can make individuals feel emotionally raw or exposed, especially if sensitive topics were discussed. This vulnerability can sometimes result in defensiveness or conflict.Practice self-care and emotional regulation techniques. Partners should give each other space to process their feelings and use coping strategies like deep breathing or mindfulness to manage emotional responses.

3. Miscommunication: Despite the therapist’s efforts, miscommunication can occur, leading to misunderstandings and arguments after the session.Improve communication skills by using “I” statements, active listening, and clarifying misunderstandings. Couples can also establish rules for fair and respectful communication Identifying and avoiding any of “the 4 horsemen” will help.

4.Resistance to Change: One or both partners may resist the changes suggested in therapy, leading to frustration and arguments.Acknowledge each other’s perspectives and work towards a compromise. It’s important for both partners to be open to change and to support each other in making positive adjustments. Remember, you’ve spent a lot of time perfecting unhealthy communications. Be patient and kind with yourself and your partner as you both learn a new way to communicate.

5. Therapy Homework Challenges: Couples are often given ‘homework’ to work on between sessions. Struggles with these assignments can lead to stress and conflict.Break down assignments into smaller, manageable tasks and celebrate small victories. If homework is causing stress, discuss this with the therapist to adjust the tasks accordingly.

It’s important for couples to communicate openly about their feelings after therapy sessions and to use the tools provided by the therapist to navigate post-session conflicts constructively. These strategies can enhance a couple’s ability to handle post-session conflicts and strengthen their relationship.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I’ll also make a video about it on the JedSaidTherapy Youtube channel for you (see below). As always, comments are welcome!

I hope this helps and until next time, awareness UP.

​The Cycle of Abuse or The Abuse Wheel

1. Abuse: This phase involves the actual act of abuse, whether it's physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or financial. The abuser exerts power and control over the victim through various abusive behaviors.
2. Guilt: The abuser may experience feelings of guilt or remorse for their actions which likely more connected to negative consequences that might be coming. They may apologize to the victim and express regret for what they've done. However, these feelings of guilt are often short-lived and may not lead to genuine change in behavior.
3. Excuse/Justification: In this phase, the abuser may try to justify or rationalize their abusive behavior. They may blame external factors such as stress, alcohol or drug use, childhood experiences, or even the victim's behavior for their actions. They may gaslight the victim by denying or downplaying the abuse, making them question their own perceptions and experiences.  By making excuses, the abuser avoids taking full responsibility for their behavior and deflects blame onto others.
4. Normal behavior: The abuser may attempt to minimize the severity of the abuse or convince the victim that it's normal or acceptable. This manipulation tactic is aimed at maintaining control over the victim and keeping them trapped in the abusive relationship.
5. Fantasy: The abuser remembers how they had negative consequences after being exposed from the initial abusive behavior and re-frame the scenario to make themselves the victim. They play the scenario over in their heads while doing their best to look like they’re in normal behavior mode. Tension’s build once again in the relationship.
6. Set-up: In this phase, the abuser sets the stage for future abuse by manipulating circumstances or creating situations where they can exert power and control over the victim. They may provoke arguments, create conflicts, or engineer scenarios where they can justify their abusive behavior. This phase effectively lays the groundwork for the next cycle of abuse to begin.

And the abuse pattern starts again.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is ​800-799-7233

Communication Reminders for Couples

1. No name calling: Be respectful.
2. Body language do’s and don’ts: Do put cell phones and smart watches away. Do face towards each other and make appropriate eye contact. Do smile when able and posture is noted by others when communicating. Do use hand gestures (it signals authenticity). Don’t cross your appendages (it’s typically a sign of being closed off). Don’t roll the eyes (it's a universal sign of either being annoyed, bored or feeling contempt). Don’t put your hands in pockets or hide them behind your back.
3. “Check yourself”: Pause before you speak - especially when involving high emotional topics. You will have a better chance to be heard AND to hear as you learn to manage emotional reactivity.
4. Verbal reflection: Restate what you’re hearing from the other person until they agree with what you heard. The communication takes longer but it's very much worth the time investment.
5. No yelling: This is a tricky one as emotion can escalate things quickly. After setting this boundary, it’s good to create a safe word that the other person will understand as a sign to lower the intensity.
6. Take turns: Resolving issues isn’t a one-way street. Taking turns in the communication process will help everyone to feel heard.
7. Give intent: Giving the other person notice about what you intend to discuss can help them to both emotionally prepare and feel safer going in to the conversation..
8. Make notes: Often minds go blank when discussing emotionally uncomfortable topics. Making bullet-point notes not only helps you remember main points. It also helps you to address what's on your mind before ending the conversation (only to LATER remember the other things you wanted to cover).
9. Make “I” statements. This keeps assumptions and mindreading from unnecessary roughness. Begin by saying “I feel __________ when you *add specific behavior here* and I would love it if you did *add specific behavior here* in the future.
10. Stay on target: Distraction and redirection are coping techniques commonly used to shift focus from distressing thoughts or emotions. Stay on target and if needed, don’t be afraid to gently remind them by saying, “I’m happy to talk about that later” and redirect the redirect back to the original focus.

Remember, resolving conflict doesn’t mean ‘winning’ the argument. It doesn’t even mean that the other person must agree.

We're hearing a lot about U.S. White house (on twitter) and the Govt. addressing alleged LBGTQ discrimination saying "we have your back" to children in the community...but I wonder why we aren't hearing about this new government issued digital currency? Do you think it's true? It's probably not true.

I am not a financial advisor. That said, I’ll sometimes swim outside of my professional lane because there's a lot of interesting topics to study out there AND everything is correlated to mental health so here goes - I'm swimming out of my lane. Let's talk about this shiny new digital currency that nobody is talking about. Did you know this was happening? If so, when did you hear about it? Leave a comment with a date and, who knows - this may all be a bunch of jibber jabber nonsense (let's hope!).

Certainly, the Government issuing a new digital dollar would be a huge announcement, right? If it’s valid, how was there no official announcement? Maybe it's not a thing and I'm being fed some conspiracy crap - I don't know but am willing and open to listen if this is way out in left field. I'll even make an accountability video on it if I'm way off. Am I way off? Ok, that said - I'm typically pretty early with stuff like this so give it a year from now before you want me to make a video saying I was completely off the mark. I hope I’m wrong!

Here's what I understand so far. The #CBDC (Central Bank Digital Currency) is a digital form of government issued money that's a lot like our money today - it isn't backed by a physical commodity (Gold/Silver) and can be created out of thin air at the whim of the Government. There are also some differences, the main one being - it's programmable. Another difference is that it’s CENTRALIZED meaning it will be controlled by the Banks/Government.

Pls let me know if I'm way off but isn't this a controllable cryptocurrency? It’s just like #bitcoin and all the other digital currencies out there built on #blockchain technology with the exception that the CBDC will be programmable. Not only can it track your spending (BTC can be tracked), the #CBDC will be programmed to only allow you to spend on what the Central Bank allows. I wonder if it’ll be some type of fiscal allotment.

My wife and I can control how my kids spend their allowance (or financial earnings). If I didn’t, we'd have Oreo's and donuts for breakfast, lunch and dinner. With the CBDC, the Government would be the "parent" and we'd be the "kid". Again, let me know if I'm off base on this. I actually WANT to be wrong about this.

Here’s a quick run-through of the basics. Bitcoin is “DE-centralized” meaning there is no main authority (which is why it's called "the people's coin"). It's a digital currency that can't be controlled or governed by one entity meaning we the kids, would be able to spend money on whatever we pleased and nobody could keep us from stocking up on Oreos! "Centralized" means that there's central authority - in this case, controlled by Mom and/or Dad (aka: the Government).

From what I'm reading and hearing, this is happening. In fact, (again, please tell me I'm incorrect) it’s being implemented and a lot of people are talking about it openly...including Gary Gensler, chair of the U.S. securities and exchange commission (appointed by Pres. Biden). Non-coincidentally, mommy and daddy are very much against the idea of BTC and have been for a very long time.

It is June 20th, 2023 at the time of writing this article. Did this all turn out to be a hoax? If not, when did you find out about the CBDC? Are you JUST seeing it? Let me know in the comments when you heard about this HISTORIC change in the financial system known as the CBDC (Central Bank Digital Dollar).

Hopefully I'm way off, though. But if I'm not, I imagine the CBDC 'pitch' will be packaged with a lot of perceived positives. Having ultimate control of every financial exchange would have it's benefits. It'd be very helpful in the fight against basically everything illegal including dealing drugs, gangs, immigration, human trafficking and that's just off the top of my head. There will likely be a lengthy list of pro's...in fact, you’d be crazy to NOT want this new innovation to be implemented immediately and with no need to look any closer. And for those that do want to look closer, a nice shame ticket and an all new way to divide the U.S. Citizens. But maybe I’m being crazy.

Hopefully none of this is accurate but if it IS - citizens will have to pay taxes on anything sold if the total exceeds 600.00 a year. This would include everything from old shoes to pricey automobiles. Let's hope my kids lawn mowing business doesn't make too much.

Maybe ALL transaction of funds will include a tax. With a centralized 'programmable' digital currency, anything is possible for the entity in control. Maybe this is why the IRS is planning to hire 30,000 to 87,000 new employees in 2023 (depending on the news source).

Here's the big question and the main point of this article. What if this 'racial divide' and LBGTQ angst just a huge misdirect that's being used to distract us from what seems to be a financial coup against U.S. Citizens??

Worry not. It will be ok - it will be even okay...er when you remember the 4 A's.
Appropriate - Action - Alleviates – Anxiety. 

Special thanks to #AltcoinDaily for the info and until next time.
Awareness UP.
Jed Thorpe, CMHC

Using Psychedelics to treat mental health is here…again. This isn’t a new idea and many cultures have utilized this alternative method for centuries. This article will discuss more about psychedelics including the 4 (ish) types, its history and where I think it’s headed.
 
There’s more than one type of psychedelic. The first we’ll talk about consist of “synthetic human made chemicals” like LSD and MDMA (ecstasy or molly). The second is mind altering plants – plant life boiled into a brew is called ayahuasca and the third fall into the mushrooms (fungi) category with the psychoactive component is called “psilocybin”. Oh – and there’s a fourth which is “ketamine” but this works a little differently than the others.

For the record, marijuana is not a psychedelic. At this point, a “psychedelic” is categorized by which molecules bind with which receptors in the brain. Actual psychedelics drugs bind with specific serotonin receptors (specifically the 5-HT2A) and pot binds with CB1 and CB2. Although there are some studies where it does bind with 5-HT2A but those cases also experienced significant and permanent memory loss so lets just say that, for now, Mary Jane does not get a psychedelic pass.

Psilocybin and LSD were banned by the federal government in 1970. MDMA (ecstasy) was banned in 1985. In the late 90’s and early 2000’s, a few scientists were allowed to re-open their studies on the effects of these banned substances. I say “re-open” because there were a lot of studies done from the 40’s all the way up to the late 60’s and at one point there were up to 40,000 people being given psychedelic medicine by professionals. Unfortunately there were cases being reported where the effects of a bad “trip” were irreversible mental breaks.

Current warnings give this method of healing or self-discovery a high risk rating and should only be for those with life-debilitating mental health issues (like extreme depression or PTSD). Also, if there is a family history of schizophrenia or bi-polar mood disorder, it’s recommended to steer clear completely.

For my clients asking about this alternative method of healing, I give the “your brain is a huge mansion” analogy. The largest mansion you’ve ever even dreamed of and naturally, there are many doors in this mansion that you can open up – however, those doors might be locked for a reason and you might not actually want them opened.

Although we’ve made a LOT of progress of understanding how the brain works, we still are incredibly clueless and I imagine that in a hundred years, scientists will be wagging a shameful finger at all of us who thought we new anything at all about the organ.

See? I bet many of you thought the brain was a muscle. Just goes to show…

OK – back to the matter. Psychedelics are illegal still. Well, they’re all illegal accept for Ketamine and that’s a whole different video.

MDMA and Magic Shrooms are still not legal! Which is why your licensed therapist could not have given you MDMA in your couples session – which was a video with the comedian Taylor Tomlinson that got a little traction on youtube. Giving a couple MDMA to help in their marriage would be like giving cocaine to a client that lacked motivation.

Back in my hey-day, we called MDMA “the love drug”. Why? Because people on ecstasy “loved” everyone! MDMA is a synthetic (meaning man-made) chemical that mimics the serotonin neurotransmitter. NOTE: it’s a man made chemical that fits into the serotonin receptor and when that happens, all sorts of chemicals are released INCLUDING oxytocin which is the “love chemical” used to bond.

The real problem with this fake sense of wellness is that it wears off in 4-6 hours. Change in mood and behavior needs to last longer than the influence of the drug in order for me to take it seriously.

Not to say that Psychedelics are a lost cause for mental health – they are definitely not a lost cause. Per the research “psilocybins” have been most effective with depression. Even the man-made drug MDMA (Molly, Ecstasy) has helped a lot of people work through PTSD and MDMA is probably going to be the next psychedelic drug legalized (Ketamine being the first). There’s even rumors that mushrooms may contain the cure for PERSONALITY DISORDERS…whoa, that would be huge.

With all of the new technological advances being made in many different areas, I wouldn’t be surprised if all mental health was figured out by 2050. My fingers are crossed.

Thanks for watching or reading and if you like this, share this! Lastly, you can find more emotional intelligence goodness on the website www.meaningtolive.com and until next time…
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Awareness Up.
Jed Thorpe, CMHC.

Generally speaking, my life is awesome. In fact, it only seems to be getting better but that doesn't mean challenges aren't ongoing. The learning opportunity discussed in this video has taken a long time to uncover. Which basically means I've been hoping it would resolve itself with some positive action on their part, have been avoiding it or maybe I didn't want to admit that my feelings were hurt (because only LOSERS allow other people to mess with them). Joke there.

I'm still learning that life happens FOR me, not TO me. 

And maybe there's even more to learn in this lesson. My thinking has been a bit...victimy and I found myself hoping that other people would align with my personal values. That said - Jed, stop relying on others to make you feel better. Jed, no matter what happens in life, you control how you feel about it. Jed, instead of thinking you lost a year of your life (see, victimy) writing a book, maybe think that you spent a year of your life learning that you're capable things you never thought possible! How could some kid from no-where-ville, Utah - who grew up in a single-wide trailer write a book?


The book I "ghostwrote" has very little drama compared to my head space around this over the last few years. It has been an emotional experience and honestly, I've allowed it to create negativity in my head space for too long. Time to move on.

Forgiveness has been an ongoing theme in my life for the past few years. Yup, even THERAPISTS struggle...at times (insert winky face here). Regardless, this blog and making the video feels like a step in the right direction. And wow, did this teach me to be more organized! I mean, c'mon, who loses the signed royalties contract?

"Hi, my name is Jed and I was not responsible enough (at the time) to put the signed contract in a safe place and I lost it."

More truth be told and maybe this is more of a 'confession'...I told a few people about writing the book...I was just so PROUD and SHOCKED that I pulled it off! But for reals, even though I had the verbal affirmation, the contract says it has to be "written". So, maybe the contract was "nullified" a long time ago and I just didn't know about it.

Most of all, though - I'm learning that being able to forgive nothing to do with anyone else but me.

Thank you, person who hired me to ghost write their book. You have helped me in more ways than either one of us knew. And once again, I see that life happend for me, not to me.

Gratitude is the key.

It took me a hot minute to find my way to this direction. Remember, people are unique. We have our own individual timelines when it comes to figuring things out. My way is not going to be your way and what took me years might take you a couple of hours!

However long it takes, I'm just hoping that this is helpful in your journey.

Till next time,
Awareness UP.

Communicating difficult messages is not easy which is why it often goes poorly or not at all. Read on to learn why that is and how to fix it. There's also a therapy video that goes over the details that can be found on  the website www.meaningtolive.com or on social media @jedsaidtherapy - here we go!

Humans want to feel secure which is where our limbic system comes in. The amygdala (in the limbic system part of the brain) scans for threats – always scanning to identify anything that might risk feeling secure. Receiving information that doesn’t align with what we already know threatens our emotional state which is why it’s so difficult for people to receive feedback when it’s not done properly.

Often, people will mask “helpful critique” or “feedback” with what’s actually criticism. A criticism is when a human expresses their disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes (see dictionary). Feedback is more about giving information about someone’s performance which is used as a basis for improvement.

A colleague (and hopefully friend at some future point if he ever goes mountain biking with me), Dave Durocher of The Other Side Academy says it best, “feedback is your best friend.” Dave runs a long-term behavioral program that focuses on giving people an opportunity to change their lives and it all starts with being able to accept feedback.

Humans often receive initial feedback in 1 of 3 ways. Fight, fight or freeze comes into play here as we may have a reaction to be defensive (fight) or, we retreat (flight) or we shut down (freeze). When this happens, the person giving the feedback will have their own emotional reaction as they regulate their own emotional responses to being in an uncomfortable communication. This all makes the perfect storm for the avoidance behavior which is why you’re here – to learn how to do hard things because doing hard things now makes life easier later.

There’s a difference between feedback and criticism. A saying I have at home is, “are you building them up or tearing them down.” If the goal is to provoke someone, you will want to stick to criticism. If you’re wanting to help someone to recognize how they could do something in a more effective manner, feedback is your friend. Criticism deflates while feedback inspires.

First things first. Remember, humans have that whole amygdala scanning for threats so before any feedback is given, it’s best to prepare the other human involved. This allows the brain to turn down the threat detector as it prepares to discover something that may be uncomfortable. In therapy, I often use the phrase, “are you open to feedback on this?” They can say “no thanks” or they can say, “yes”. The question is the first step (called the micro-yes) and gives the other person a choice in the communication which automatically helps them feel safer. Criticism focuses on what we don’t want while feedback focuses on what we do want.

Second, feedback needs to be specific. Often, people criticizing focus on a perceived weakness and use “blur words” or subjective material that have a generalizing sweep effect. Examples of blur words would be, “you’re being defensive” or “people don’t like you”. See how these non-specific statements could unsettle the brain? To help with this, skilled feedback givers use specific and detailed examples of what hasn’t been done well and then there’s an emphasis on overall strengths and what could be done more effectively next time. Criticism focuses on the past while feedback places focus on the future.

The third aspect to giving feedback is explaining how the behavior specifically impacted you. This is showing some vulnerability on the part of the feedback giver and allows for the person that’s already accepted hearing the feedback, the chance to see how their behaviors have had a negative impact on the feedback giver. It would sound something like, “when you didn’t answer the question directly, it looked like you were evading taking responsibility”. Or, “You didn’t read the email thoroughly and because of that, they didn’t have what they needed for their presentation.” Our brains HATE unknowns and giving specifics helps people to stay calm while hearing sincere feedback. In addition, this is a good place to identify what the person does well and that you believe in their abilities which is why you’re working with them in the first place. Criticism focuses on weakness while feedback builds on strengths.

The fourth and final aspect of giving healthy feedback ends…with a question. After the feedback has been given, ask them what they think about it. Remember to ask and open ended question using words like “how” or “what”. The question could be as simple as “what do you think about that?” Ending the communication with a question helps the person (who’s likely feeling a lot of uncomfortable emotions) to re-align with the person giving the feedback. It then becomes a joint effort vs. a ‘you have no say in the matter’ communication. Even more than that, it helps them to realize they’re not “in trouble” and the person giving the feedback respects and values them enough to want their opinion and THEIR feedback. Criticism points to them being the problem while feedback places importance on how they can do better, together.

Feedback is your best friend.

What did you think of this article? After writing it, I wonder if healthy feedback is even possible online. Can the 4 steps even be accomplished via social media communication?
If you liked it, you’ll like the Jed Said Video that goes over the 4 steps to resolving conflict found on the website www.meaningtolive.com or on social media @jedsaidtherapy
Till next time, awareness up.
Jed Thorpe, CMHC

There are 2 types of stress responses: Learned and unlearned. The first one we learn and is shaped by our environments/nurture. The other is shaped by how we're wired as individuals. Unlearned stress responses are found in all types of animals and are based in "nature", or the bodies ‘built in’ response to high stress, life threatening situation.

The 3 F’s are a great example of an unlearned coping skill and includes fight, flight or freeze. This psychological theory has been around for over 100 years, Every living creature has one of these 3 reactions when faced with a dangerous event. Some goats and all possums will freeze when scared. Gazelle’s always run from danger (flight) while animals like the elephant, rhino’s and grizzly bears will face danger head on…74ish percent of the time.

Our brains main job is to keep us safe. In order to attain this, it's placed the amygdala in charge of memory, decision making, emotional responses and in this case; how we automatically react in high stress situations. The amygdala is one of the OLDEST parts of the human brain meaning it was formed early which was good because needed it for our species to survive.

Side note - ever wonder why people sometimes pee their pants when they're scared? You can blame that one on the amygdala, too. The amygdala over-rides the other two parts of the brain responsible for urination control which is why you MIGHT unexpectedly….lose bladder control in high stress situations. Plus, the high stress alarms from the amygdala warn our body to get ready for action by sending more blood to our major muscle groups and away from our digestive system which causes the bladder to relax. Unexpected ‘micturition’ in the animal kingdom can be found in rats, cats, dogs, and gazelles (not Dorcas Gazelles, though because they’re in the desert and can’t afford to waste the water).

Enough of that, let's get back on point. Let’s talk about learned stress responses. These are behaviors humans have learned to do in stressful situations in order to alleviate anxiety. Some people will lower their voice and speak calmly. Another tactic would be to match the energy of the stressor in hopes to then lead into a more decreased state of stress. There are even “F”s involved in learned stress responses. Some people ‘flirt’ to decrease stressful situations while others will have an urge to "f"u…copulate. Humans with our big brains, have come up with ways to cope with stress that are all very interesting and - unique to our species.

A favorite learned stress response of mine has been around for almost 3 years. I discovered it just last week while researching “fight, flight or freeze” or, the 3 F’s.  Imagine my surprise to find that there was a 4th F that I’d never heard of. Apparently (as of a few years ago), a social worker DISCOVERED another “F” called fawning. To “fawn” is where humans become overly agreeable and helpful in hopes to gain favor with others which decreases the overall emotion of stress that’s felt.

This sounds familiar and not a new concept in the least. The 4th F (haha) or fawning is actually a rebranded aspect of attachment theory. Specifically, ‘anxious attachment’ which has been heavily researched and cited for over 120 years.

John Bowlby is turning in his grave right now.

Is this possible? Can someone just add to a proven psychological theory with nothing at all to back it up? Apparently. It’s absurd to me especially when I tried to research the origin of this whole bambi thing and only found maybe 3 online articles (no academic journals) over the past 3 years which…cite themselves or another non-sourced article. In other words, someone just made this shit up. Where it surprises me is that with no scientific method or research involved, other psychologists are signing off on it. I am not.

Stress response has many masks and being agreeable is valid coping mechanism (although fawning seems like a stretch to find a word that started with “F”). I just didn’t realize a ridiculous and false concept could be introduced out of nowhere and be accepted as a psychological discovery! If that is the case, I would like to throw my hat in the ring with THE 5th F that nobody knows about AND it hasn’t already been discovered and titled in attachment theory by John Bowlby over a century ago.
Flatulence (with an “F”).

When in extreme and sudden peril, animals often fart to survive. They do this automatic and unlearned stress response honed by evolution that has a 2-fold effect. First, it distracts themselves from the immediate crisis involving natural disaster which lowers their stress, allowing them to breath better which, in turn gives them a greater chance for survival. Second, if the animal is being threatened by another animal, the passing of wind will often deter the attacker, giving whoever cut the cheese, a higher chance of survival. Honestly, this notion that took under a minute to invent has more foundation to be an "F" than Bambi's re-brand of anxious attachment; fawning.

I expect this actual 4th "F" to be implimented immediately. Furthermore, it needs to be accepted by the psychological community without question (please, no questions). Next, have this unresearched and non-proven joke of a concept mounted right alongside the most distinguished and notable psychological findings of the past 2 centuries. Lastly, I am hereby to be called, “The Grandson of Psychology” (who is rumored to be even greater than the founder of psychology).

Remember, sometimes people get it wrong.

Awareness up.

Jed Thorpe, CMHC
@jedsaidtherapy
www.meaningtolive.com

In case you’re not big on history, the “shot” heard round the world was the beginning of the American Revolution waaay back in 1775. 250 years-ish later, we have to ask ourselves, "was the “slap” heard round the world a sign of the times for us.?

This is not a fun piece to write. And honestly, there are plenty of professional writers that have recorded the incident at the 2022 Oscar awards…show? See there, I don’t even know what the event is officially dubbed. As a licensed therapist, my energy and focus isn't on television. In fact, I don't watch TV unless I'm on it! I do, however, spend a lot of time and energy studying emotion. Let me begin by saying that I heard about “the slap” on Monday morning while taking the kids to school. Like most Americans, I don’t pay much attention to Hollywood drama. In fact, I only remember a handful of Hollywood actor names but two of them happen to be Will Smith and Chris Rock. I'm a fan of them both! I also keenly remember my initial emotional reaction: pride.

"You can't say that, Jed!" I know, I know – not supposed to but here we go! I was proud of Will Smith. Initially, I interpreted the slap as him protecting his wife, Jada…not sure how you spell her name. Digging a little deeper, my emotional reaction stems from a history of not being protected by people who I thought were my friends and even my family. Emotions are pretty fascinating and – hear this – they’re always about you even when it’s someone else being abused.

What is going to happen now, after the slap heard round the world?

For an award ceremony was showcasing “actors”, this sure felt like real life. I am a mental health counselor, by profession and have spent a lot of time studying psychology. After a day of therapy sessions, hearing about anything dramatical is off-limits. I just want to come home to a calm house and avoid all things stressful. My lovely wife has to endure all of the emotional roller coaster television sitcoms on her own. In particular, the past couple of years have somehow felt more intense for myself, than the years prior. It's almost like the chaos and isolation spent navigating the “Covid 19 pandemic” has put a strain on everyone's emotional well-being.

And it appears that the Hollywood elite are not immune.

It's easy to forget that they’re human, isn’t it? By the way, I HATE saying that because it bugs me that the U.S. population puts “actors” (people trained at being fake – not real) on such a pedestal. Yet, here I was, Monday morning, having a strong emotional reaction! Apparently, I had put Will Smith on a pedestal and it was sad to observe the exact moment he fell from said pedestal. Wow, what a fall. It was hard and fast…, "hard and fast".  I’m laughing here. Can you imagine what THE Chris Rock could do with a sentence like that? I would never hear the end of it – so many ways to go. Puns aside, wasn’t it heartbreaking to watch Chris being assaulted for being - a comedian? The more I watched the video, the more I felt tricked. I felt angry. I felt like I’d been slapped in the face by a friend while they smiled at me. The more I watched, the more I processed my own issues that had brought out my own emotions.

Maybe I don't know myself as well as I thought.

In therapy, it’s common for clients to discover that their emotional reactions have little if anything to do with what they’re reacting towards and everything to do with themselves. In other words, when we feel something sharply, we’re processing something about ourselves. This isn’t difficult to prove for most. Here's an example, if you’ve had a parent die when you were a toddler, there’s a good chance that you’ll have more of an emotional reaction to a show where a kid loses a parent…or, if you’re me, any show that has beautifully depicted connecting father and son moments (Damn you The Pursuit of Happyness!). There was more to this, though.

What was it that had me feeling so confused, frustrated, angry and sad? It didn't make sense at first. I'd seen MANY a show depicting violence, rage, suspense even MURDERS. Why would a little slap (that Chris handled beautifully, by the way) even hitting my emotional radar? And then it hit me; Not only was it pinging a deep seeded fear of rejection, it also clued me in that I might be missing something on a larger 'emotional intelligence' scale. I felt kind of scared. Why? Because I’d witnessed one of the most revered, trained, seasoned actors in all of Hollywood lose his shit on National Television. Not only that, Will was highly favored to win the top award for the movie “King Richard” where he plays another role where he beats all of the odds and conquers the world while protecting people he loves! Ok, I haven't seen the movie, but I imagine, it's something to that effect. This actual life behavior was the exact opposite! He wasn't protecting his wife...he was protecting his Ego. Don't even get me started on the Jada girl. But still...

If Will Smith can’t keep it together, what chance do we have?

I wonder if it’s just our nature to categorize other people. We label them good and bad and everywhere in between. We especially like to hold other people to higher standards, don’t we? And we’re ever at the ready to distribute swift justice when those standards aren’t met! When I think of Will Smith I think “The Pursuit of Happyness, Legend of Bagger Vance, Aladdin, Fresh Prince, The concussion guy”. When I think of Will Smith, words like “stable, respectful and safe” come to mind. In a world that’s feeling more unstable, disrespectful and unsafe, I don’t like seeing the illusion falter. When something like this happens, it forces us to re-shape our beliefs about the world around us.

So - many - questions.

What is going to happen after the slap heard round the world? How are we going to re-shape this wild frontier of emotional wellness that we’re just beginning to understand? What have we learned from all of this?

William Shakespear said it best, “all the world is a stage”. I don’t know how you want your continuing role to play out, but might I suggest moving forward with compassion. We are all having a human experience, here. Apparently, We're all human. Seems nobody is having a super easy, cool, chill time of life. Actors aren’t. Therapists aren’t. Teachers aren’t.  Add whatever title to the list and know that life isn’t easy for any and all of them. Nobody has it easy. Everyone has good and bad days, we have good days and we have bad days. We are all in the same boat of life – trying to figure things out. We have good days and bad days. Sometimes we can have our worst days on the days we expected to be our best days! Nobody is immune to the struggle that life provides FOR OUR BENEFIT. It’s ok that nobody has their emotions 100% in check 100% of the time.

Us non-actors just mess up without the world stage watching.

Now, before the call out culture (ugh) starts rising up with the chant, "no excuse, no excuse!", remember, this isn’t about Will Smith or Chris Rock. It's not about justice or race or assault or how mentally messed up Jada probably is. It’s not even about the Revolutionary War! It’s about something MUCH more important; you. You individually. You personally. This is an opportunity to process your own issues and believe me, you have them. I have them. We ALL have them. We NEED them in order to grow into better versions of who we act in like, today.

Will Smith, I'm here if you'd like to set up a time to talk.

Till next time, awareness up.

Jed Thorpe, Licensed Therapist
www.meaningtolive.com

Have you ever wondered why some people don’t make positive changes in their lives, even when they could? Well, there’s more to it than you might think. Oddly enough, making ANY changes in life isn’t natural. Our brains are wired to resist change which is why we LOVE all things predictable. C’mon, it makes perfect sense! Why else would it take so much time to break a habit? We like routine and are most comfortable in familiar environments doing tasks we understand and around people we already know. We don’t like changes.

When it comes to change, some people are all bark and no bite. Why? Because, they don't actually want to change as much as they they profess. We are bias and want to believe what we already believe to be truth. Right now, YOU may be resisting this notion which actually proves the whole point. Changing thinking patterns needs to happen before a change in behavioral patterns. To slip by your natural resistance, be curious around the idea that people can trick themselves into thinking they want something while staying comfortable by doing what they already know. Don’t believe me? Look around, it's everywhere! “I want to lose weight, I want to have more money, I want to work out more, I’m want move out of my parents house, I want to travel” and the list goes on and on with the same conclusion; after a day, week month or year – life remains the same! I know what you're thinking right now; "Jed, we can't 'will' something to happen when we don't have the actual means. It's silly to think that we can use our arms to FLY if we want it bad enough!" And you're right so instead of thinking of it as 'will-power', think about it as 'want-power'.  Did you just try to trick yourself into not giving merit to the information you just read because it requires a change in how you think about things?

Taking the easy way out works...until it doesn’t.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, Not only are human brains wired to get the most from the least amount of effort (go ahead and read that twice), it also releases a bunch of feel good chemicals JUST BY THINKING about doing something new, adventurous, fun, etc. This explains why so many people talk a good game (bark loud) but then don't actually follow through (bite) on plans. Initially, it feels really good to think you're going to do something hard that has a positive effect on life! It's exciting. People like hearing it and you end up being validated on JUST THE THOUGHT! Everything feels so good until the follow through gets uncomfortable...so, you end up not doing it. This probably sounds familiar and it should; we've been doing it for roughly 30,000 years.

Evolution is real and our current version of the brain is much different than the original. Just like everything else alive, the brain has evolved. That pesky old-brain wiring trips us up! It's not all bad, though. In fact, the antiquated part of our brain that steers us toward the path of least resistance is partly how we've survived as a species. The animals that learned to conserve their energy for when they needed it, lived. The ones that didn't, died. To the brain, changing something is a waste of energy and needs to be avoided at all costs, in order to survive. 

Change doesn't just happen automatically. It requires creating a new path of thought, so the old brain thinks to itself, "why make a whole new trail when we already have one that we know?" What it doesn't think about are all of the negative aspects of that line of thought. The one you know is full of trip-wires, pitfalls and poison ivy but...it IS already there and it's immediately easier. And who KNOWS how much energy a new trail will spend?! Even the thought of change takes energy that, like it or not, you don't want to give up. What we end up doing is, yep, you guessed it – conserving energy - so we tend to do the same thing we’ve always done.

We trick ourselves into taking the immediate path of least resistance.

We grow the most when we're uncomfortable. It's one of those truths we don't like to think about let along, accept! Let's think about it anyway. IF this were true, it would mean that doing uncomfortable (hard) things made us stronger. Wait, that would mean that taking the easy way...makes us weaker. If this is a troublesome thought, it's probably because we know that life doesn't make exceptions for the weak animals. In fact, it tends to snatch them up in a terribly uncomfortable manner! In the past, only the strong survived but in the 21st century, only the strong-minded, will thrive.

Tik Tok

Ever heard the saying, "time waits for no man"? If not, you've been living under a rock because the phrase has been around since the 1300's. It originated from sailors who used the tides to navigate setting sail on their sea journeys. You either sailed with the tide or you waiting until the next tide to come before you could progress. At this point, you might say to yourself, "phew, I've got time!" And you're right, you always have time but the time you have left is inherently connected to the time you've already spent. In other words, you may have to wait prepare for the next tide to come in before you set sail. Things take time. Preparing for a voyage takes time. Growth takes time and humans tend to struggle a lot with being patient when it comes to time.

There’s a dirty little secret that nobody talks about.

Don't kill the messenger! I'm not going to lie, there's a little bit of giddiness that comes with the next part. Believe me, I take extreme pleasure knowing that your awareness will be raised after reading this ONE paragraph. Are you ready?  Ready or not - time rolls on and life will happen so lets have some fun. Changing life for the better takes work and...it gets worse. Turns out, that the amount of work actually increases - when we avoid it. This isn't comforting and it's likely being rejected by your thinking right now so lets use an analogy. Sit back, relax and think of a nice big pile of cow manure. It’s heaped there right next to your bed, all nasty-like. The smell is rancid which might be why you're having nightmares anytime you're able to miraculously fall asleep. And when you're awake, life doesn't get any better because getting around the room has become a slippery matter! Plus, there's flies now and they're everywhere. It's gotten out of hand…I mean, they’re a serious nuisance - a hazard even. So much so, that you can barely see through the buzzing haze which makes navigating the heap of dung even more precarious. Of course, we want the whole matter gone but here’s the thing – the longer it takes us to clean up, the bigger that pile of crap gets! The room is your life and the ever increasing mound of maggots is whatever we are avoiding.

Thank you for your patience! I may have gone a little overboard on the analogy. OK, back to the point and if you’re STILL wondering why people stay in a putrid life of stench I’ll break it down into two simple reasons:

1.   We’re used to it. It’s comfortable – it’s the pile of crap we know.
2.  We resist change EVEN FOR THE BETTER because doing uncomfortable things takes more energy so we do at all. We are tricked by a primitive part of our brain matter. We are comfortable in our discomfort. That's actually 4 reasons.

OUTRAGE!

Nowadays, humans tend not to respond well to accountability. Modern society seems to value victims which is your thinking pattern if you've resisted the information presented here. In session, it phrases saying “it’s not about me! I'm not the problem! It’s the issue that’s making my life so horrible and I want it to be easier, I can't help my circumstances!” I get it. No unhappy person ever wants to hear that it’s their issues that keeps the reeking pile of funk at the side of the bed. That’s getting personal…it's uncomfortable to hear. Are - you - hearing - it?  Making changes in life is the opposite of easy. The best life will be filled with uncomfortable and the unaware and prideful human will very likely be tricked into striving for a life of ease. Are - you - listening?

Ego is easy and requires little humility. Being humble may be the most difficult requirement needed to change in life. Getting honest can be one of the most terrifying things anyone can do. It’s a very...exposed and vulnerable for someone to say, "I messed up and it's to the point that I can't keep avoiding this". Doesn’t that sound just dreadful? Believe me, it is - especially when everyone else seems to have life figured out. Oh, here’s another little secret that isn’t often shared and disbelieved when it is heard – ready? NOBODY HAS LIFE FIGURED OUT! Sure, some life sailors have a bit more awareness and experience around the whole 'life' thing, but nobody gets out without really screwing things up a time or two..or three or four, etc.

We carry regret.

It's easy to beat ourselves up. I like to say, "we ‘should’ on ourselves" mainly because it makes me chuckle seeing peoples initial reaction to the sentence. We SHOULD on ourselves by thinkin we didn’t do it as well as we 'should' have but here’s the thing; people do the best they can with the thinking they’ve got. Read that a thousand times if you haven't heard it before. Our ever evolving brain needs explanation to feel at ease and this...understanding, allows an escape hatch into having compassion for ourselves. It's much easier to address the pile of shite that may or may not represent our current life situation, when we learn to be kind to ourselves.

Find more emotional intelligence information on the website www.meaningtolive.com and be sure to follow all of the Jed Said Therapy social media for almost daily mental health updates.

Till next time - awareness up.
Jed Thorpe, CMHC
 

A hummingbird once fell out of the sky
"I'm no good at birding", he said with a sigh
"Will you help me to learn? I promise I'll try"
"Oh, please help me, please! I don't want to die"

So we picked up the creature from off of the ground
And made it a home that was perfectly sound
Then fashioned a feeder with a syringe we'd found
Oh, I hope this weak, shaky thing comes around

And come around it...kinda did.
It stopped shaking and seemed to get quite lucid
But the growth didn't last for the little bird kid
Oh, how it got worse as he slid and he slid

We didn't understand, it was all right there
The bird had not for want and care
Yet there it was dying, seemingly unaware
Oh, how could this happen? Life just wasn't fair

So we doubled our effort and then we gave more
More money, more goodies, HIS own private door
We fought every battle for whom we adored
Oh, hummingbird remember how you flew before?!

Days turned to weeks turned to months and to years
The little bird learned to reduce us to tears
He pushed all our buttons and played on our fears
Oh, how some things are never as they appear

For this bird was a man now with hair on his face
He'd stalled out, of course, in the human-bird race
And would eventually fade in silent disgrace
But do not feel bad for he had OUR embrace

He had OUR attention in every endeavor
WE were beside him to guide him, our treasure
For years we enjoyed him, this BIRDLING, so clever
Till the loss - so great, we'd bury the ledger

A word of warning to hummingbirds, all
That, WHEN in FLIGHT, you head-butt a wall
Get up on your own, there is no worse fall
Than a life made too easy no one will recall

Jed Thorpe, October 2020

This is a topic that is near and dear to me…and yes, that sentence makes me sounds like a grandma. Let’s talk about First Responders and what NOT to say to them.

First, let’s go over what a “first responder” is (for my young readers). They’re medically trained professionals who are “first” on the scene of an emergency. We’re talking car wrecks, houses burning downs, plane crashes, finding someone dead in the canal and, oh yea, they’re also first on the scene when humans are rocked by natural disasters. Looking at you earthquakes, floods, fires and hurricanes. Of course there are many other possible scenarios that we could name but lets just end it with this; they’re the ones taking cats that are stuck in trees.

If you ask me, we should actually change their title to “emo superheroes”...get it?

Unfortunately, they don’t actually 'have' super powers. In fact, they’re really human just like you and I. They do, however, carry more than the average human. Being first to respond to tragic, unsafe, often bloody and high stress situations comes with a price. First Responders are more susceptible to having depression...in fact, they’re twice as likely to experience long term depression than the average Joe or Jane in America. Along with that fun fact, they have a higher rate of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and we could easily do a whole video on that topic alone. The scariest, though, is the suicide ideation they often have. Suicide ideation is when we think of being dead or existing no more and it happens when emotions are overwhelmed and feel too painful to carry any longer. This stat tops the charts, being 10 times higher than the general population. And don't get me started on addiction with this population!

This may be probably surprising and I’ll tell you why - First Responders ‘act’ like they’re bullet proof and why wouldn’t they? They’ve been treated like superhumans for decades when, in reality, they’ve been HUMANS dealing with a super amount of trauma.

The general population doesn’t realize this, which is why you’ll hear so many of their admirers say, “what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” Or, “Have you ever had to shoot anyone?” Or, “what’s it like doing CPR on a child?”

When we ask these types of questions it allows trauma to re-surface. Remember, our brains store everything, good, bad and ugly. Asking a First Responder to remember tragic events they’ve witnessed is asking them to open up a wound that they’ve probably spent a lot of time trying to heal...UNLESS you have Tourettes Syndrome and then you get a pass. Otherwise, an entitled sense of curiosity doesn’t give us a golden ticket to hurt others.

“But Jed,” you say, “they are cool with it!” Actually, they’re not - they are really good at pretending, though - and compartmentalization can go a long way and even last for years but that’s another article. 

Remember, they may act like superheroes but they’re human, just like you and I. So, don’t do it.

And for you First Responders reading this - thank you for doing everything in your power to keep us alive and well. I hope this article and the short video gives you the honor and respect you’ve earned. You can watch the video at https://youtu.be/JF7ydsqbHf4​

Thanks for reading and until next time, awareness up.

Jed Thorpe, CMHC
www.meaningtolive.com

Counseling as a profession isn’t one of those employments that people just ‘fall’ into. It takes a special breed and typically our background consists of having been some type of caretaker in the past. For me, it was taking care of my mom. See, my bio-dad died in a motorcycle crash when I was 3 and although mom remarried again when I was 6, I took care of her. Not blaming; explaining.
 
Who knows when it started but by the time I was in my twenties, it was normal for me to drop everything and help whenever she needed anything done around the house. Maybe it was the 2 year hiatus my step-dad took when he moved to Texas to get his nursing degree…I was around 12 or so and was suddenly the “man of the house”, chopping the wood, doing all the chores, watching my little sisters, etc. Whatever started my care-giving habit doesn’t really matter – it’s just something that’s good to know about people who choose being a therapist as a career.
 
Another behavioral attribute is more of something we’re born with and is quite unexplainable to me; we see dead people. JOKING - it's ok to laugh. Thankfully people just talk to us. We’re the ones that – for WHATEVER reason, people have always just told us things and not in a dramatic way. For me, this really became evident when I was in high school and my friends would just tell me things about them out of the blue. Random, odd stories that were pretty personal and I often thought, “why are they telling me this? Still, I listened and most of the time, didn’t say a thing. Maybe it’s a super-power that helps people feel safe but whatever you want to call it, people feel comfortable communicating personal things to us. We hear things like, “you’re just easy to talk to” or, “I don’t know why I’m telling you this” or my favorite, “can I run something by you?”
 
This superpower comes with a price. Unlike a job where you run numbers, cook, serve, market, sale, educate, drive a car, farm, build homes, etc. a therapist gets to quietly LISTEN while connecting emotionally with someone who’s working through very hurtful experiences. We’re talking rape, divorce, death, infidelity, betrayal, grief, loss, pain and the like. And here’s the thing, that stuff doesn’t just ‘wash off’ the person that hears it. Here, think of it this way, you know when you watch a show that leaves you feeling disturbed, uneasy or sad RIGHT BEFORE IT’S TIME TO GO TO BED? You know as well as I do that right away, you find a comedy to watch so you can fall asleep! Well, that’s what it’s like being a therapist – not the comedy part. Which reminds me, never watch "Oldboy".
 
Vicarious trauma is the term for it. You experienced it watching that jacked up show because and it’s quite normal. What isn’t normal is tapping into it emotionally over and over and over again. In fact, statistically speaking 1 in 5 mental health (20 percent) providers have suicidal thoughts and the number who take their own lives is twice that of the general population. Ends up we are at high risk for feeling overwhelmed which is why it’s so important to have emotional boundaries and to figure out what your own warning signs are.
 
Personally, I’ve got this on lock. Having worked in this field for over 25 years and a licensed professional for almost 10, I’m able to recognize my own red flags. It’s important to know these indicators and that’s a whole other article but for fun, I know when I’m getting out of the healthy area when my back starts hurting during sessions. I know it’s weird but it makes sense if you think about it. When this happens, I’ve learned to do some breathing exercises and then I back off from being a therapist for a bit. Oh, I still do therapy – just not as much.
 
Do you ever wonder how much your therapist works?  Get out of that egocentric brain of yours and ponder it for a second…could it be that they work more than the hour they’re with you? Surprise, they are! Not only are they continuing to work through your session topic by charting for 15-30 minutes, they’ve got a bunch of other clients to see! Then they do groups for hours on end and then they do more individual sessions and then they deal with work drama (typically) which puts them past the 40 hour a week mark. When I was the rat running on that wheel, I’d tell my clients that if they wanted the best of me, SCHEDULE ON TUESDAY. You may laugh but again, it makes sense; On Monday you’re still getting into work mode so by Tuesday you’re aces…and by Thursday we’re emotionally spent so by Friday we’re running on fumes (or we’ve stalled out and are faking it). The only reason people even say “TGIF” is because they’re out of gas. Sound familiar?
 
How anyone who employs a therapist expects them to be a ‘good’ therapist while working them 40 hours a week is beyond me. Think of it like this; you live in Salt Lake City and you need to drive ten and a half hours to San Diego, over 600 miles – with 1 tank of gas. It just isn’t possible unless you break up the drive and get gas which is the equivalent of working a 4 hour day vs. the 8 hour day. Being an effective therapist takes lot of emotional fuel. OR, maybe they’re a unique breed of bipolar II – believe it or not, there are a very small percentage of this population that has a much longer level of mania to depression ration than normal Bipolar II’s. I actually have a high school buddy who has this superpower. He’s able to run with high energy on 2-3 hours of sleep nightly. But that is the VERY rare off-shoot and believe me, your therapist probably isn’t that. If they were, look for them to have created a therapeutic empire by the age of 35 because while everyone else is sleeping (literally), they are up and making it happen. Looking at you Kerwin Rae. Those people are the Sport Prius but way cooler. Alas, I’m getting off topic. Point is – there’s such a thing as compassion fatigue and how can therapists NOT burn out running a 40 hour week?
 
Here’s the truth; Counselors shouldn’t be therapatizing more than 20 hours a week. There, I said it. Now that I’m free of the full-time employment haze, I can see it more clearly. You may not if you’re still on the wheel but believe me – if you’re doing therapy, you’re not at your best and your client needs your best. Running my own business has given me the freedom to max out my week at 20 hours of sessions…which is pushing it, if you want me to be honest. 17 hours of sessions is the sweet spot for me. I’ll say it again; therapists need to see less people so they can give what the client needs emotionally and stay -not dead- or burned out while contemplating taking a long drive and never...coming back.
 
This may not be easy for a therapist to read especially if they’re dependent on their full-time job financially. If that’s you, ease up – I’m not saying you’re a bad therapist. I’m just worried about you - DAMN my caretaking! That said, pace yourself. Balance of life is good and when you’re able – unplug. And not just the ‘kind of’ unplug you're used to. I’m talking no cell phones, no being ‘on call’, no giving advice to other people, NOTHING. Bob Kelso it. Lastly, remember the great Dickie Fox who said, “They key to this business is personal relationships.” Fewer clients, less money. I’m expecting your Jerry Maguire mission statements by Monday.

Be well my fellow humans and God Bless you.

Awareness UP.
Jed Thorpe, CMHC

There’s a 3 word phrase that isn't as helpful as you think. I’ve been running across it for years both while running process groups and individual therapy sessions. Odds are good that you’ve said this yourself and heard it roll off of other peoples lips. Here goes – “Let It Go”.
 
This phrase makes my insides pucker and not in a good way. Let’s use another 3 word phrase and “shut it down”. By the way, Disney did us NO favors by making the Frozen song so catchy. Are you humming the tune now? Well, DON’T! It’s not doing you any favors...and I can prove it.
 
The list of what people “let go” is endless and as a therapist, I hear them all. “Oh, you were mercilessly tormented for years by someone you trusted but you just let it go?” Or, “Yes, my only son punched me in the face and we haven’t spoken since but I’ve let it go.” Seriously, the list goes on and on but just writing about it saddens me because I know they haven’t just “let it go”.
 
We could go into the quantum physics of it but let’s just say that energy doesn’t just disappear. And believe me, there was and still is a lot of energy around what you supposedly let go. The truth is, it’s impossible to simply stop caring or turn off the feelings of being hurt emotionally. You haven't really "let it go". It IS possible to become numb to it, but that isn’t really taking the pain away – it’s getting used to the pain and who wants to get used to walking around with a broken leg?
 
Letting it with no explanation is not only impossible, it’s dangerous. The psychology world actually has terminology to warn people of this type of unhealthy thinking. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) calls it a thinking error. Other therapeutic models might say cognitive distortions. Why all the warning flags and emphasis for such a harmless phrase? It’s because this way of thinking is actually hurting you more than it’s helping you.
 
Narrowing the thinking error down would put this phrase in the ‘magical thinking’ category. Feelings don’t just vanish into thin air. Reality is, when people say this phrase they’ve actually just stuffed the uncomfortable feeling way…way down. It’s a complex form of compartmentalization and in this case, very unhealthy for mental wellness.
 
It’s impossible to just “let it go”. However, it IS possible to work through trauma. In fact, the only way to release and heal negative emotions so we don’t have sour feelings anymore would be to “work through it”. How about that, a healthy phrase and it’s only 3 words long. Maybe Disney will fix their catchy song that’s totally wrong.
 
Working through a hurtful experience looks a lot different than letting it go. In fact, it’s more uncomfortable at first because opening up old wounds can feel pretty raw. Fortunately, the festering hurt will actually heal when we change the belief systems attached to whatever happened. Typically this involves moving from a victim stance to a more empowered “jackpot” mentality.
 
Fun fact: it’s easy to find out if someone’s REALLY “worked through” something from the past. You can tell by their emotions around talking about the experience. See the trick of “letting it go” yet? With that sneaky maneuver, people avoid talking about it. When pressing the topic, you’ll be able to see how they really feel. If they’ve compartmentalized (stuffed it down), they’ll be very uncomfortable talking about it and will expose either anger, resentment, hurt, contempt or they’ll just cry. In therapy, the crying is the most healing. From there, we can start identifying and changing beliefs they’ve carried about themselves around what happened. From here, the broken leg actually begins to heal.
 
It’s magical but in a great, healthy and totally explainable.
 
The healing part of working through things can be tricky. A good therapist can help.
 
Thanks for reading and supporting the Meaning to Live movement.
Until next time, awareness UP.
 
Jed Thorpe, CMHC
www.meaningtolive.com