Jed Said Blog

Let's Talk Suicide

3/26/2019

First off know this – Suicide will effect our lives so we may as well talk about it. Second off - the topic is to always be taken seriously. Now, let's continue in the blog-fun. I remember this topic as a kid being a bit 'taboo-ish'. People just didn't talk about it and if the subject was brought up, the message implied that people who committed suicide were weak AND that they were going to hell. Or in other words, it was viewed as a moral deficiency – like the person who died was selfish and/or inconsiderate...and would burn because of their ineptitude. Currently and thank goodness, it’s more understood as an action made to escape suffering – sadness, grief/depression…which is more accurate if you ask me. I also believe that anyone who goes through with killing themselves is not thinking rationally, clearly or logically. Any way you look at it, it's a pretty scary thing so it makes sense that, as a culture, we've gravitated towards protecting people from suicide by being aware of warning signs. The list may include the following:

Labile emotions (sadness or moodiness)
Hopelessness
Sleep problems
Withdrawal
Changes in personality or appearances
Risky behavior (reckless driving, unsafe sex…)
Recent trauma or life crisis
Impulsive
Making preparations (visiting friends, giving away possessions, making a will, cleaning their room)

Sounds a lot like the list is describing any one of us, doesn't it? I mean, seriously, I've done or experienced most all of those things. And because these 'red flags' are so common, it puts added pressure on society to be more attentive but people keep dying so the cycle continues and we put more pressure on identifying warning signs and the cycle continues.

Awareness is great – and needed. But I don’t think that it’s the right focus at this point.

Here's the truth that nobody wants to admit – When someone really wants to commit suicide they do it. No amount of identification can stop it. When someone wants to die – they very typically don’t show any of the classic warning signs and the cycle goes on of society feelings shocked and surprised and to defend against that we have meetings or classes about identifying signs of someone who's considering taking their life.

Again, awareness is fantastic but maybe we should start putting the focus on something other than red-flags. Well, what should we focus on, Jed?! I'll tell you.

Let’s start by changing the way we think about life. Let's gain some awareness around the issues of people putting all of their value and identity in their marriage or children or work so that when any one of their external pillars of well-being are removed, they don't spiral out of control emotionally. Let's start spreading the truth about life rather than continue to put expectations so impossibly high with comparison tools. Social media, I'm looking at you. And commercials advertising that your life could be better if you only had this and prescription medication marketing, etc. holy crap our country is founded on unhealthy beliefs including external validations. It's a wonder anyone can be happy with the barrage of 'you're not ok' going on. Let's try raising our collective emotional intelligence.

Start here: Everyone has feelings of extreme sadness in their lives and that's OK – you aren’t alone. Instead of treating suicide like a big monster that we can stop if we know what it looks like. Let’s start normalizing the reality of our existence and that everyone feels sad. It's NORMAL to feel sad at times. It's NORMAL to feel like you're not enough. It's NORMAL to struggle. And just like the weather gets better with time, so will your life.

I’m not making light of this topic – it’s the second leading cause of death. What I am trying to do is suggest a different avenue of prevention. We need to change how we experience life and that starts with our perception and belief systems correlated to life and what happiness looks like. I'll do a 'Jed Says' youtube on this as well - www.youtube.com/meaningtolive

Thanks for reading and please share if you think this might help someone.

Till next time,
Jed Thorpe, CMHC

The World Actually Is A Dangerous Place

3/21/2019

"Human trafficking, modern-day slavery, has never been in greater number than it is today. " Utah Attorney General Sean Reyes at a panel discussing human trafficking

Turns out the world isn't actually safe. It seems to me that most people tend to ignore this idea and why wouldn’t they? Avoidance is a top way to evade feeling negative. Our brains have been highly developed to make things (emotion included) as easy and feel good as possible. If you ask me, it’s quite natural for humans to INNATELY want to do things the easy way. It’s easy to lean towards avoiding doing uncomfortable things. A great example of this is the idea of “cognitive dissonance”. Simply put, cognitive dissonance happens when our behaviors don’t align with the morals or values associated with our belief systems and we feel bad. And here’s the fun part – when we feel those negative emotions we (or our brains) get us out of that by using thinking errors like justification, minimization, denial, avoidance or whatever to help us FEEL BETTER about ourselves and our actions. The world's not 'that' bad. Or, I live in Utah where I'm protected. Or, the U.S. is the most powerful nation in the world, bad things only happen in other places. Or, my neighborhood is safe. These are all examples of thinking errors - minimization, justification, avoidance... They are defense mechanisms honed over centuries and they're pretty refined at this point.

"Never underestimate the power of denial." American Beauty, 1999

We want to believe that our world is a safe place. Of COURSE we want to believe this because we want to feel safe. We always want to feel safe – but it’s simply not true. The world is not a safe place and deep down we know it which is why we try to protect ourselves and the people we hold close to our hearts.

I used to be quite ignorant of this dangerous world. Presumable, I still am on quite a few levels but with age comes wisdom. The man learns! Turns out that the world is not safe and I wish I would have known this a long time ago – because knowing it would have kept me safer. In other words, my ignorance about the world had the effect of making the world an even more dangerous place.

Here’s the twist. With the world being a dangerous place, it gives me the opportunity to learn and grow. The times where this dangerous world and the dangerous people in it have hit me the hardest are when I’ve learned the most. The world and it’s pitfalls and bad people actually help me to become more and more solid in my own personal growth towards…well, towards whatever I want, really.

In other words, it’s ok that the world isn’t a big bowl of red cherries. Actually, the more I write about it, the more I’m inclined to believe that the world would be less growth conducive place if it wasn’t as dangerous. I’m not condoning ignorance, though. The world is going to knock you down, beat you up and then spit you out – and you’ll have the opportunity to get back up and remember what you learned from the experience.
Here’s a list of the most dangerous things I’ve come across so far.

1. Not all people are good even when they look act like it
2. Even good people will lie to get what they want
3. People will put their own well-being before yours
4. The world isn’t fair – expect difficulties (a lot of them).
5. People that you don’t think deserve it, will die
6. You are being taught beliefs that cause you emotional pain
7. Politics and religion are often used to divide people (when that’s not their actual purpose)
8. Relationships are the most powerful influencers of emotion
9. Avoiding is only a cover up – like a bandaid over a gaping hole in your leg. It looks nice but doesn’t solve anything.
10. 4% of the population operates without shame or guilt (sociopaths are virtually undetectable)

Maybe the next Blog will be about how the World is a Beautiful place.

Thanks for reading and if you can add anything from your own life, feel free to comment. Don’t forget to watch the ‘Jed Says’ youtube and be sure to subscribe at
www.youtube.com/meaningtolive

Till next time,
Jed Thorpe, CMHC

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