Jed Said Blog

Turns out, you're priceless - and I can prove it.

4/24/2019

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SO OFTEN my clients come in with little to no awareness of how amazing, awesome, brilliant, resilient and awesome they are (yes, I said 'awesome' twice). And just as often, I go over what their value is and explain the rational and logic to support the discussion.

Alright, let’s figure out your value! But first, what is your favorite color? Mine’s blue. Can you or anyone take that away from me? No. Why? Because not only is blue the coolest color, my liking it best comes from inside; it’s INTERNAL. You can chop off my arm (please don’t) but you can’t take away my favorite color. That's an odd way to explain it but valid, nonetheless.

The same goes for your value - it can't be taken away and I can prove it. See this 5 dollar bill? Can you change the paper bill into any other paper bill amount? No. It never even turns into a quarter, nickel or dime because it is a paper 5 dollar bill. The paper can be torn, ripped, stomped on, spit on, used, defaced, etc. but It’s value can’t change by what it does, what it goes through or what it buys and neither can yours.

Where does your value come from? To explain this, think about the characteristics of a child from the age of 3-5ish.

1. Caring (they worry when others are sad) 2. Honest (ever heard that phrase, “kids say the darndest things?”) 3. Thoughtful (they spend time and effort on doing nice things for you) 4. Resilient (they endure. When life throws a curve-ball, they roll with it) 5. Creative (they are never bored) 6. Curious (they discover new things – “why, how, where, what”) 7. Integrity (they do the right thing even when nobody is watching) 8. Resourceful (they figure out how to get what they want)

Does the value of that child diminish as he or she grows older and makes mistakes? Of course not. Our value (we’re priceless, by the way) comes from our ‘internal attributes’ (see list above) and just like nobody can take the fantastic color 'blue' away from my favorite color list, no one can take away my value. Internal attributes are part of who we are and can’t be taken away just like the physical, paper 5 dollar bill stays a physical, paper 5 dollar bill no matter what is done to it. It’s value cannot be altered or lowered – YOU’RE value cannot be altered or lowered…(I’m looking at you with the low self-esteems). Your value is the same as everyone else’s because just like people can’t take away your favorite color, nothing can take away your value. Not even you.

Where did we go wrong!?? Western culture gets it wrong by attaching too much value on external things. This includes achievement, status, education, finances, body image, muscles, physical health and other 'stuffs' (what you have to show to others). I’m not going to get into the economics of the U.S. or how the media and marketing shoves the "you're not OK yet" belief system down your throats but I will say that while living in Africa, I met SO MANY people who’s names were rooted in ‘internal’ attributes. I worked with a woman named “Honesty”, walked down a dirt road with a man named “Compassion”, played guitar with someone named “Integrity”…you get the point.

Here in the U.S. we name our kids “Mercedes”, “Porsche”, John, Mike, Jon…Jed! The first 2 names on the list were the ones to compare and to be honest, I did meet an “Elvis” in Tanzania but that’s because he really loved Elvis music. In East Africa, people are happier because they are taught that their value comes from within. They don’t need external 'stuffs' to be fulfilled, complete or even just OK. They understand that they already have everything they need to create joy. The point is, our people have forgotten what actually creates joy. We've forgotten what makes us valuable – and this shift of values hasn’t had a positive effect. Good thing you’re reading this because I could sure use the help 're-teaching' people the truth.

Here's the truth. Our value comes from our internal attributes – and we’re born with them. They’re part of who we are. You are priceless – congratulations, you hit the jackpot.

On the next ‘Jed Says’, maybe we’ll talk about how to spend our value because, it turns out that what we do with our lives is correlated to creating joy in life. I'm talking about meaning and purpose.

Thanks for reading and be sure to subscribe to the “Jed Says” youtube channel found at www.youtube.com/meaningtolive
Till next time!
Jed

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So, you're having an affair...

4/15/2019

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Who knew there were so many types of affairs?! Romantic, casual, emotional, cyber and even sanctioned 'hook ups' are all on the list but for now, let's focus on a general view of extra-marital activities. Why do people engage in hanky-panky? This is a complicated question which, by nature, would require a complicated answer. However, as nobody in their right mind wants to read about complicated things (although you likely would if you’ve read this far) we’ll keep it simple and focus on just one aspect. One.

The first aspect is how and why it’s JUST SO EASY (and getting easier) to be unfaithful. Why is it so easy, Jed? Well, because married life at some point or other can get...really unpleasant. It requires a lot of responsibility, much of which is mundane. Wake up, go to work, feed the kids, clean the house, manage the stress of bills, take care of emergencies, wash the dogs, pick up the yard, vacuum the car, sit in traffic, deal with dumb people at work, put kids to bed, fix something, watch TV for a half hour, think about all the things you didn’t get done and then fall asleep.
Rinse – Repeat.

Doesn’t that sound bland? Dreary even! But at some level, it’s accurate. In fact, tedium is accurate for life in general which explains the appeal to dancing with the idea of escape (enter the affair).

Here's a poem I wrote a while back.
“Marriage”
Every marriage has ups and downs
Loopdie loops
Rounds and rounds
Highs and lows, hots and colds
That’s just the way a marriage goes
~ Jed Thorpe

Extra-marital relations takes the happy AND unhappy partner out of their routine. It’s a getaway from the parts of life that are repetitive. From men I hear complaints of the lack of physical passion in their marriage. They explain the affair by saying that after being married for over a decade it was nice being flirted with by someone. It was exciting. From women, it's more correlated to feeling a lack of connection emotionally. They explain the affair by saying it was nice having someone listen to them. They are excited to connect emotionally. For both genders it starts very similarly with some form of ingratiation. Who doesn’t like it when someone sits down to listen to you talk about your day? Who doesn't like being told they look amazing that day or they are clever or they are pretty great at their job, etc? I know I do. It can be a nice change compared to the ‘run of the mill’ cycle of life. From there, the time and attention for both genders hits another level as they start communicating more. Later days at the office or more time doing some activity away from home. They text or talk through social media. And it feels good. It’s different and in the ‘lows and colds’ (see poem above), it's not hard to explain why anything different would be a welcome experience.

All of sudden the innocent flirtation which seemed so harmless in the beginning has become more serious. Actually, it’s not “all of a sudden” at all – it’s quite gradual with countless scenarios of how it starts but it ends the same way; you have connected emotionally and on some level, you're ok with that which actually surprises you but by then, the current of emotion is too strong so OFF YOU GO. Swept away. Your very unremarkable life is now allotted to thinking about your new interest and it feels quite like a taking a breath of fresh air - or different air at least. Thinking causes emotions causes behaviors and this can all be explained later but for now, you’re swept away in a flirtation…romance…attachment…entanglement (and in that order) which takes you away from your ‘perceived’ humdrum, ordinary, tedious, boring, normal life – and into something new or at least something you haven’t experienced in a while; adventure.

How do I know if I'm having an affair? Great question - first off, you know already but if you absolutely require a definition, I typically advise that it needs at least one of 3 things to qualify: 1. sexual chemistry. 2. emotional involvement and 3. secrecy (deception).

What are emotional affairs? Because of technology (cell phones/social media), the definition has expanded from the traditional definition (leaning more on another person emotionally than your spouse/partner) to having intimate feelings, thoughts or maintained correspondence with someone other than your spouse. Emotional affairs (obviously) threaten the emotional bond with a spouse and typically happen prior to physical affairs. You wouldn't believe how many times I've heard the phrase, "I haven't heard from them in years but then they reached out to me on Facebook" in marital counseling. Newsflash: If you've been intimate before (emotionally and/or physically) there's a high chance that the connection can and will be re-established. It's cliche but it's true - playing with fire often leads to getting burned.

Another piece of info that a lot of people don't know: Emotional affairs are just as likely to lead to divorce as physical affairs. "Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire." Robert Frost.

Speaking of passion, the physical type of affair takes place when any type of touching, kissing, or sexual behavior happens with a person who isn't your exclusive partner.

Any way you look at it, flings are exciting. Yea, I said it - and so did the 'bad boy' in the iconic movie, "The Breakfast Club" when he said, "being bad feels pretty good, huh?" to the goodie-two-shoes played by Molly Ringwald. And unfortunately, psychology backs it up. "Research shows that sharing secrets increases intimacy and feelings of liking, even among strangers. Sharing secrets can also enhance one's commitment to a relationship and facilitate the development of a couple's sense of 'we' or 'us'. This is great news for serial cheaters! Doing something that you're not supposed to do and keeping it a secret will "increase intimacy and feelings of liking." Is it any wonder people find themselves in trysts?

The term ‘swept away’ is actually very accurate. Two-timing happens swiftly and it happens a lot. In fact, turns out 'fooling around' is on the rise and has been for a few decades. Esther Perel notes that since 1990, the rate of married women who report they've been unfaithful has increased by 40 percent, while the rate among men has remained the same. And according to decades of research by acclaimed infidelity researcher Dr. Shirley Glass, most of today’s affairs are starting in workplaces, simply because that’s where people are most likely to spend a significant amount of time around others of the opposite sex. “Good people in good marriages—men and women who say they're happily married—are unwittingly crossing the line between platonic friendship and romantic love,” (https://verilymag.com/2018/10/how-to-spot-if-youre-developing-a-workplace-emotional-affair). There's more. 55% of male respondents cheated on their spouse with five or more people 50% of our female respondents admitted to cheating with one person 32% of the men met the person they cheated with online (either through social media or a dating service) 22% of the women met the person they cheated with in some sort of social setting (bar, party) or had a previous romantic connection to that person 23% of the men said the leading cause of the affair was due to a lack of sexual satisfaction 28% of the women said the cause of the affair was due to a lack of emotional satisfaction (https://www.trustify.info/blog/infidelity-statistics-2018).

As a therapist, I think of infidelity as an opening for growth. They are initially catastrophic to a relationship AND they offer a golden opportunity to identify where the chinks in your relational armor lie. More importantly, they provide the chance to rebuild the foundation of your relational alliance.

There’s a Japanese art that I often refer to when working with couples through an affair. “Kintsugi” is the art of repairing BROKEN pottery with powdered gold, sliver or platinum. The process not only gives the pottery more value because of the added materials, it also makes the pottery stronger than it’s original version. The process is not easy and takes an extraordinary amount of time. Some people may prefer to just go out and look for another piece of pottery or forego pottery altogether – either of which is OK. Others are willing to go through therapy focusing on their relationship.

After all of this you may be saying to yourself, “Jed, what’s the point of a committed relationship then?”

A good question. Before we answer, it's good to be aware of expectation in our culture. We’re taught that sharing a life with someone should look blissful (Thanks DISNEY!). We're taught to expect the other person to fulfill every emotional need we may have - ever. We're taught to expect something like unending happiness or continuing adventure or constant excitement or heightened emotion or new experiences - but continual awesome is unattainable which is why people are left wanting. The expectations are not being met because that goal isn't achievable. This is one aspect as to why ‘hanky-panky’ has become so common-place.

I haven't forgotten your question, by the way. What’s the point of a committed relationship? There’s a few good answers.

1. As humans, we innately don’t want to be alone. We need connection and being in a committed relationship is the best ‘long-term’ solution.
2. Intimacy grows with time. Elderly people who have a ‘significant other’ report higher levels of contentment and happiness vs. single people. Also, sex actually gets better with time which is kind of gross to think about but is still accurate. The longer you’re with someone, the more safe you feel being vulnerable while doing the hibbidee which equates to a more satisfying and pleasurable love life.
3. Being in committed relationships are the best thing for individual growth. Being single is easy compared to being married or partnered up. Harder is better…and I know you’re filtering ‘THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID’ right now (I know I am…).

To end this fun, if you happen to be indulging in 'extramarital relations', you now have more insight into why. Affairs are easy* – staying in a committed relationship is not.

Now, before anyone goes 'aggro' about some angle of infidelity that hasn't been discussed, remember that this is only one aspect of a very complex issue. I attempted to lighten this up a bit as I wrote because it's a VERY sensitive topic. Affairs are a major betrayal of trust and if you thought working through one affair was hard, know that it gets exponentially more difficult with more offenses. At the core, relationships are built and maintained with trust - which goes out the window when repeatedly hoodwinked.

Enjoy your relationship that may not be great and fun and exciting all of the time and know that this is normal. Your marriage/committed relationship is normal and you're growing because of it.

Hope you like the blog, share it and feel free to comment if it pleases you.

Jed Thorpe, CMHC
www.meaningtolive.com
“Jed Says” youtube channel.

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Obtaining forgiveness and the big lie that our culture teaches.

4/12/2019

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A huge lie that our culture tells us
When we’ve been wrong we want the person who’s wronged us to apologize. And with that “sorry” we feel better about the situation and often ‘forgive’. But really, the resolution that we think happens only comes because we change our belief around the situation.
It has no effect on us other than changing the way we think about it.
Often, people are hurt by others and believe they need the other person to take accountability for the offense (whatever it may be). People go for YEARS being angry and holding grudges with the thought that they’ll feel better ‘or forgive’ the person once they hear an apology! They carry around the negative emotion for years! How exhausting…

And all because of a belief system.

Try this one belief system on for size. The truth is that they are the same person before and after the apology. The other person has no ability to ‘make’ them feel in any way – the person making them feel angry or resentful or sad (etc) is themselves. Their own thinking about the situation creates the emotion.

The truth is that you don’t need the other person to take responsibility to be ok or whole or complete or repaired or OK. You don’t need to be 'heard'. You don't even need the other person to understand where you’re coming from in order to be happy.

It's a nice thought - but it's not necessary.

"Letting it go" is a phrase that bugs me. It feels too 'magical' and unexplainable. And more often than not, when I hear someone say that they really are saying that they're "stuffing it down." Actually processing through being hurt emotionally (actually getting over something) is changing the way YOU THINK about it – it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the other person and EVERYTHING to do with you.

Isn’t it wonderful that you are in complete control of how you feel?

Isn’t it wonderful that you are stronger and have more power than you think you do?

Thinking causes feeling causes behaviors.

Have a great weekend.
Jed Thorpe, CMHC
www.meaningtolive.com
www.youtube.com/meaningtolive

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Turns out, you're priceless - and I can prove it.

So, you're having an affair...

Obtaining forgiveness and the big lie that our culture teaches.

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