So, you're having an affair...

Who knew there were so many types of affairs?! Romantic, casual, emotional, cyber and even sanctioned 'hook ups' are all on the list but for now, let's focus on a general view of extra-marital activities. Why do people engage in hanky-panky? This is a complicated question which, by nature, would require a complicated answer. However, as nobody in their right mind wants to read about complicated things (although you likely would if you’ve read this far) we’ll keep it simple and focus on just one aspect. One.

The first aspect is how and why it’s JUST SO EASY (and getting easier) to be unfaithful. Why is it so easy, Jed? Well, because married life at some point or other can get...really unpleasant. It requires a lot of responsibility, much of which is mundane. Wake up, go to work, feed the kids, clean the house, manage the stress of bills, take care of emergencies, wash the dogs, pick up the yard, vacuum the car, sit in traffic, deal with dumb people at work, put kids to bed, fix something, watch TV for a half hour, think about all the things you didn’t get done and then fall asleep.
Rinse – Repeat.

Doesn’t that sound bland? Dreary even! But at some level, it’s accurate. In fact, tedium is accurate for life in general which explains the appeal to dancing with the idea of escape (enter the affair).

Here's a poem I wrote a while back.
“Marriage”
Every marriage has ups and downs
Loopdie loops
Rounds and rounds
Highs and lows, hots and colds
That’s just the way a marriage goes
                                       ~ Jed Thorpe

Extra-marital relations takes the happy AND unhappy partner out of their routine. It’s a getaway from the parts of life that are repetitive. From men I hear complaints of the lack of physical passion in their marriage. They explain the affair by saying that after being married for over a decade it was nice being flirted with by someone. It was exciting. From women, it's more correlated to feeling a lack of connection emotionally. They explain the affair by saying it was nice having someone listen to them. They are excited to connect emotionally. For both genders it starts very similarly with some form of ingratiation. Who doesn’t like it when someone sits down to listen to you talk about your day? Who doesn't like being told they look amazing that day or they are clever or they are pretty great at their job, etc? I know I do. It can be a nice change compared to the ‘run of the mill’ cycle of life. From there, the time and attention for both genders hits another level as they start communicating more. Later days at the office or more time doing some activity away from home. They text or talk through social media. And it feels good. It’s different and in the ‘lows and colds’ (see poem above), it's not hard to explain why anything different would be a welcome experience. 

All of sudden the innocent flirtation which seemed so harmless in the beginning has become more serious. Actually, it’s not “all of a sudden” at all – it’s quite gradual with countless scenarios of how it starts but it ends the same way; you have connected emotionally and on some level, you're ok with that which actually surprises you but by then, the current of emotion is too strong so OFF YOU GO. Swept away. Your very unremarkable life is now allotted to thinking about your new interest and it feels quite like a taking a breath of fresh air - or different air at least. Thinking causes emotions causes behaviors and this can all be explained later but for now, you’re swept away in a flirtation…romance…attachment…entanglement (and in that order) which takes you away from your ‘perceived’ humdrum, ordinary, tedious, boring, normal life – and into something new or at least something you haven’t experienced in a while; adventure.
 
How do I know if I'm having an affair? Great question - first off, you know already but if you absolutely require a definition, I typically advise that it needs at least one of 3 things to qualify: 1. sexual chemistry. 2. emotional involvement and 3. secrecy (deception).

What are emotional affairs? Because of technology (cell phones/social media), the definition has expanded from the traditional definition (leaning more on another person emotionally than your spouse/partner) to having intimate feelings, thoughts or maintained correspondence with someone other than your spouse. Emotional affairs (obviously) threaten the emotional bond with a spouse and typically happen prior to physical affairs. You wouldn't believe how many times I've heard the phrase, "I haven't heard from them in years but then they reached out to me on Facebook" in marital counseling. *Newsflash: If you've been intimate before (emotionally and/or physically) there's a high chance that the connection can and will be re-established. It's cliche but it's true - playing with fire often leads to getting burned. 

Another piece of info that a lot of people don't know: Emotional affairs are just as likely to lead to divorce as physical affairs. "Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire." Robert Frost. 

Speaking of passion, the physical type of affair takes place when any type of touching, kissing, or sexual behavior happens with a person who isn't your exclusive partner.   

Any way you look at it, flings are exciting. Yea, I said it - and so did the 'bad boy' in the iconic movie, "The Breakfast Club" when he said, "being bad feels pretty good, huh?" to the goodie-two-shoes played by Molly Ringwald. And unfortunately, psychology backs it up. "Research shows that sharing secrets increases intimacy and feelings of liking, even among strangers. Sharing secrets can also enhance one's commitment to a relationship and facilitate the development of a couple's sense of 'we' or 'us'. This is great news for serial cheaters! Doing something that you're not supposed to do and keeping it a secret will "increase intimacy and feelings of liking."  Is it any wonder people find themselves in trysts?

The term ‘swept away’ is actually very accurate. Two-timing happens swiftly and it happens a lot. In fact, turns out 'fooling around' is on the rise and has been for a few decades. Esther Perel notes that since 1990, the rate of married women who report they've been unfaithful has increased by 40 percent, while the rate among men has remained the same. And according to decades of research by acclaimed infidelity researcher Dr. Shirley Glass, most of today’s affairs are starting in workplaces, simply because that’s where people are most likely to spend a significant amount of time around others of the opposite sex. “Good people in good marriages—men and women who say they're happily married—are unwittingly crossing the line between platonic friendship and romantic love,” (https://verilymag.com/2018/10/how-to-spot-if-youre-developing-a-workplace-emotional-affair). There's more. 55% of male respondents cheated on their spouse with five or more people 50% of our female respondents admitted to cheating with one person 32% of the men met the person they cheated with online (either through social media or a dating service) 22% of the women met the person they cheated with in some sort of social setting (bar, party) or had a previous romantic connection to that person 23% of the men said the leading cause of the affair was due to a lack of sexual satisfaction 28% of the women said the cause of the affair was due to a lack of emotional satisfaction (https://www.trustify.info/blog/infidelity-statistics-2018). 

As a therapist, I think of infidelity as an opening for growth. They are initially catastrophic to a relationship AND they offer a golden opportunity to identify where the chinks in your relational armor lie. More importantly, they provide the chance to rebuild the foundation of your relational alliance.
 
There’s a Japanese art that I often refer to when working with couples through an affair. “Kintsugi” is the art of repairing BROKEN pottery with powdered gold, sliver or platinum. The process not only gives the pottery more value because of the added materials, it also makes the pottery stronger than it’s original version. The process is not easy and takes an extraordinary amount of time. Some people may prefer to just go out and look for another piece of pottery or forego pottery altogether – either of which is OK. Others are willing to go through therapy focusing on their relationship. 

After all of this you may be saying to yourself, “Jed, what’s the point of a committed relationship then?”

A good question. Before we answer, it's good to be aware of expectation in our culture. We’re taught that sharing a life with someone should look blissful (Thanks DISNEY!). We're taught to expect the other person to fulfill every emotional need we may have - ever. We're taught to expect something like unending happiness or continuing adventure or constant excitement or heightened emotion or new experiences - but continual awesome is unattainable which is why people are left wanting. The expectations are not being met because that goal isn't achievable. This is one aspect as to why ‘hanky-panky’ has become so common-place.

I haven't forgotten your question, by the way. What’s the point of a committed relationship? There’s a few good answers.

1. As humans, we innately don’t want to be alone. We need connection and being in a committed relationship is the best ‘long-term’ solution.
2. Intimacy grows with time. Elderly people who have a ‘significant other’ report higher levels of contentment and happiness vs. single people. Also, sex actually gets better with time which is kind of gross to think about but is still accurate. The longer you’re with someone, the more safe you feel being vulnerable while doing the hibbidee which equates to a more satisfying and pleasurable love life.
3. Being in committed relationships are the best thing for individual growth. Being single is easy compared to being married or partnered up. Harder is better…and I know you’re filtering ‘THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID’ right now (I know I am…).

To end this fun, if you happen to be indulging in 'extramarital relations', you now have more insight into why. Affairs are easy – staying in a committed relationship is not.

Now, before anyone goes 'aggro' about some angle of infidelity that hasn't been discussed, remember that this is only one aspect of a very complex issue. I attempted to lighten this up a bit as I wrote because it's a VERY sensitive topic. Affairs are a major betrayal of trust and if you thought working through one affair was hard, know that it gets exponentially more difficult with more offenses. At the core, relationships are built and maintained with trust - which goes out the window when repeatedly hoodwinked.

Enjoy your relationship that may not be great and fun and exciting all of the time and know that this is normal. Your marriage/committed relationship is normal and you're growing because of it.

Hope you like the blog, share it and feel free to comment if it pleases you.

Jed Thorpe, CMHC
www.meaningtolive.com
“Jed Says” youtube channel.