Dealing with Death

Benjamin Franklin coined the phrase, “there are only 2 things certain in this life; Death and taxes.” And with that, should we talk about ‘death’ or ‘taxes’…let’s go with death – it’s way more fun.

Death is a topic that is brought up in session a LOT. And why wouldn’t it be?! No one gets to the next adventure without passing on. In fact, I never even HEAR from people after they die – I do, however, hear from those left behind. Dealing with death can be a struggle so we best work this out because if you haven’t experienced it yet; you will.

How do you work through grief? Let's start by examining why we get sad when a loved one dies. From what I hear, the answer generally sounds something like, “I miss them” or “life would be better with them still around” or “it’s unfair that they are gone.” Death is no respecter of persons and the most tragic occurrence typically stem from infant or child deaths. When this happens, people will be sad “for the kids” because they didn't get to "live" or "experience life", etc.

Listen, I get grief and am not trying to minimize anyone's loss. Be sad! Grieve! I love it when clients cry because that’s when the healing begins. Negative energy is released through crying those ugly cries. To be quite honest, it’s beautiful and my office is stock full of tissues for this very purpose ~ my issue comes from when the mourning isn’t allowed to move into healing. This "stuck feeling" happens often in our culture. In fact, to provide an answer for it, some professionals will say there is no time limit to grief…what a crappy message. It may as well be a politician answer. So, it’s ok to NEVER heal or stop feeling sad for the death of a loved one?! In my mind, that awful answer is a ‘middle of the road’ and ‘safe’ answer by someone who doesn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings and frankly, doesn't understand how actual healing occurs. As you can probably tell, I am inclined to disagree with the above belief system and for good reason; through years of grief counseling individually and in groups, I've discovered that it’s just not true.

Here’s what I've seen and this may surprise you. Everyone can heal from the loss of a loved one and the real shocker; Time is mostly irrelevant when it comes to the healing process. Yea, go ahead and read that again but be sure to read on - it makes sense, I promise. Working with people healing from recent death is JUST LIKE working with people that have been struggling for decades; The stuck feeling stems from their beliefs around death and often what it means to honor the deceased! Isn't that marvelous? Even better, processing through sadness can begin right away with one little thought.

Gratitude.

In every case of healing, it began with gratitude.

“Oh Jed, C’mon – how can I be thankful for someone dying!?” Great question and here’s another for you. What might the person ‘gain’ with death? People are typically a little backed-up at this point so I’ll start you off. Ready? Ok, here's a quick perception shift. If you believe in an after-life (or after-energy) it must mean they’ve gone on to the next adventure! Or, you can even think of it as ‘graduating this life’. How cool is that! It's a gratitude maneuver. On the other hand…and in the same hand, if you believe that this life is it and everything ends when the heart stops beating it means that they STILL hit the jackpot because hey, they don’t feel any pain and they never will again. Not too shabby if you ask me. Booyah for them! Let's call it, "The gratitude shuffle."

It's good to have awareness into feelings. We think and then we feel and then we behave. If you really stop to think about it, we're not sad about the person dying. We're feeling sad for ourselves. Don't worry, this is normal and you're not a bad person for feeling this way. It’s natural to feel the pain of them being gone – it’s just good to know that you really can’t feel bad for them. They’re cool – you’re not. To work through this emotion let’s pull a gratitude maneuver and remind ourselves of the wonderful memories we had with them while they were still with us. Yes they’re gone, but how lucky are you to have had the time you DID with them? You really hit the jackpot.
​
It’s gratitude that heals, not sorrow.
It’s gratitude that heals, not sorrow.

Some cultures (emotionally healthier ones) CELEBRATE the life of the deceased. Our Western culture is coming around to that more which is wonderful. Every once in a while, instead of having a funeral, I’ll hear people describe the service as “a celebration of life”. Other cultures take things a step further into healing and believe that the happier they are for the deceased individual, the more they loved them.

I wonder what you believe. Do you believe that you’re honoring them more by being sad? Some cultures do that, as well…in fact, they actually hire professional ‘mourners’ to ensure that the dead person gets to heaven. True story.

If you’re feeling stuck working through the loss of someone you loved, try this:

Think of 3 of your favorite memories with them. It’s ok to smile. It’s ok to laugh! Now, as you’re thinking of this, imagine them sitting right here next to you. Can you imagine that? They’re right there! Now tell me, do they look happy as you’re sitting there imagining some crazy-fun-neat experience you had with them? Are they smiling?

It’s likely that they’re pretty stoked to see you smiling with their memory. Maybe you’re honoring them more by celebrating their life than crying over your loss.

Isn’t death great?!

This is one of my favorite discussions to have with clients. In fact, some of my absolute fondest memories are connected to working in groups or individual clients around this often dreaded topic.
It’s gratitude that heals, not sorrow.

Now, to figure out how to be thankful for taxes! Thanks for reading and for more fun, check out the website www.meaningtolive.com and until next time…
​
Awareness UP.
Jed Thorpe, CMHC

---