The Pattern of Abuse

​The Cycle of Abuse or The Abuse Wheel

1. Abuse: This phase involves the actual act of abuse, whether it's physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or financial. The abuser exerts power and control over the victim through various abusive behaviors.
2. Guilt: The abuser may experience feelings of guilt or remorse for their actions which likely more connected to negative consequences that might be coming. They may apologize to the victim and express regret for what they've done. However, these feelings of guilt are often short-lived and may not lead to genuine change in behavior.
3. Excuse/Justification: In this phase, the abuser may try to justify or rationalize their abusive behavior. They may blame external factors such as stress, alcohol or drug use, childhood experiences, or even the victim's behavior for their actions. They may gaslight the victim by denying or downplaying the abuse, making them question their own perceptions and experiences.  By making excuses, the abuser avoids taking full responsibility for their behavior and deflects blame onto others.
4. Normal behavior: The abuser may attempt to minimize the severity of the abuse or convince the victim that it's normal or acceptable. This manipulation tactic is aimed at maintaining control over the victim and keeping them trapped in the abusive relationship.
5. Fantasy: The abuser remembers how they had negative consequences after being exposed from the initial abusive behavior and re-frame the scenario to make themselves the victim. They play the scenario over in their heads while doing their best to look like they’re in normal behavior mode. Tension’s build once again in the relationship.
6. Set-up: In this phase, the abuser sets the stage for future abuse by manipulating circumstances or creating situations where they can exert power and control over the victim. They may provoke arguments, create conflicts, or engineer scenarios where they can justify their abusive behavior. This phase effectively lays the groundwork for the next cycle of abuse to begin.

And the abuse pattern starts again.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is ​800-799-7233

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