Depression, Self-talk and 'The Bully'

Depression rates are rising in the U.S. and Utah is at the top 5! We could speculate about possible reasons to explain this (I think it’s in the water) BUT, I’d rather get some great information out there to help people feel better.
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You don’t need to be a therapist to have awareness around the topic of depression. It seems like everyone either knows someone personally or has had their own experience with being sad for long periods of time. When working with people who are feeling depressed, I've noticed one thing they have in common; the inner bully.

There are a lot of phrases used to describe this thought pattern of negative self talk. My favorite is 'shoulding on yourself'. Others call it 'stinkin' thinkin' and don't pretend you don't have your own favorite way to punish yourself.  The one I hear MYSELF say (in my head) is, “Jed – dumb!” Or, "nobody is going to listen to you so why even try". You have your own go-to’s as well…you’re probably thinking of them right now. Clients working through depression have some pretty mean inner bully narratives happening almost constantly. Instead of, “dummy”, theirs is meaner and says, “you’re a real loser" or "you’ll never amount to anything" or "see, I knew you’d screw this up." or "people only pretend to like you…” The list goes on and on. This 'inner bully' is loud and relentless. It spouts out blame and shames you for anything ‘you’ can think of. Who wouldn’t be depressed with this harassing, broken record going on in the background ALL OF THE TIME?!

Of course, I understand that there is a chemical component of this but I’m don’t prescribe medication – I’m more into analyzing thoughts and how they connect with feelings. Think – feel – behave.

Here are the top 3 behavioral changes to calm (and eventually extinguish) the inner voice that brings you down.

1. Be aware of who shares your space. Often, people who have an ‘inner bully’ are spending their time with toxic, mean or belittling people. Do your friends build you up or do they bring you down? Are they generally positive or are they more negative-nelly’s? Pay special attention for people who do little cuts into your self-esteem. Unfortunately, our family members aren’t innocent – be it friend or family member, try limiting your time with them. The more time you spend with positive people, the better you will start to think about yourself.
2. Spend some energy reprogramming your brain. “What? I can’t change my brain!” Actually, yes you can. Ever notice how young children are always so positive and happy? Well, it’s because they haven’t ‘PROGRAMMED THEIR BRAINS’ to be negative…yet! But – you’re 30 with over a decade of badly programmed thinking habits so we’ll need to start doing ‘affirmations’. To begin this reprogramming, start every morning with saying 5 positive things about yourself – in the mirror while looking at yourself – out loud. And then repeat 20 times throughout the day. Make it your mantra! You won’t believe them at first but remember, you’ve had 15 years of saying negative crap to yourself so give it time. 1000 times a day and I guarantee that after a week, you’ll feel a difference. Imagine how you’ll feel after a month. 6 months. A year.
3. Practice gratitude. This is a biggie! Here’s a truth; people can’t feel sad and thankful at the same time. I’m going to repeat this - People can’t be sad and thankful at the same time. When your old thinking pattern tries to rear its ugly head, train yourself to think of 3 things your grateful for that day. When you practice gratitude, you are replacing the negative with positive thoughts. Remember, what you look for – you will find.

Want a bonus behavior to kick out the bully? Fine!

    4.  Service. When you think AND do for someone else, you’re less in your head about your own worries.

​Your inside bully won’t stand a chance.

Thanks for taking the time to read and I hope you enjoyed. Please like, share and comment as this helps spread awareness. Seriously, it’s time for Utah to start losing at being depressed.

Till next time,
Awareness up.
Jed Thorpe, CMHC

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