What's a BROKEN HOME? The Answer May Surprise You.

Often, people in unhappy marriages facing drastic changes like separation or divorce say the same thing; I don’t want my children growing up in a “broken home”.  This sentence makes my butt-hole pucker. Still, parents are doing what they think is best with the thinking they’ve got which is where therapy comes to play – with honest talk, it doesn’t take long to expose what the real broken home looks like. What does an unhappy family environment resemble? It can take the form of many ugly behaviors so we’ll just keep it general.

1. Unstable. Kids are intuitive and know that things are not stable with their caregivers. Often the kids need/want parents to ‘look’ happy so desperately that they’ll pretend or ignore this fake-hood but inside they want to scream, “why are you doing this!?” In addition to this, the child won’t feel safe talking about or even displaying emotions that might “rock the boat” which leads to them learning how to live in a fake way – disingenuous.

2. Tense. Because the parents are struggling to even be with each other, the child feels disconnected emotionally. You can only pretend smile for so long. The fun part happens when they watch their parents ‘not’ lean on each other (isolate) and they learn to disconnect emotionally or keep their emotions inside. This ultimately leads to the child feeling depressed (sad), tired and hopeless.

3. Gone. Parents that are in this state of disrepair often retreat. Being with their spouse brings emotions that are sad, hurtful, awkward, angry, bitter and the negative list goes on and on. Because of this, they find refuge – away. This lead to the child feeling confused and missing you – and blaming themselves for not being good enough (this happens because the brain development has them not being able to think abstractly enough to even imagine that it could ‘not’ be because of them. And future relationships will have a foundation of not feeling worthy and knowing their partner will leave them for something better (just like their parents).
   

What would a divorced and healthy family environment look like? Easy – reverse all of the stuff mentioned above. Your children will be more stable, less stress/anxious and feel more connected not only to you, but to everyone around them. The kid will learn that it’s ok and safe to express negative (sad, stressed, anxious) feelings because the parent is finally an emotional state where they're able to support them in the normal ‘growing up’ sad times. They are more connected emotionally – in fact, the child will display a much larger emotional range than when he or she lived in the ‘broken’ marriage. They’ll learn what’s acceptable and not acceptable in a relationship. And maybe best of all – the child will connect with the parents because the caregiver is able to give them time that’s not tainted by angst, resentment or sadness that often lies just underneath the surface in the marriage that stays together 'for the children'. Now, which do you think, is the ‘broken’ home? Marriage is a contract that is always changing. Behaviors that were acceptable to both of you initially could change - that means that you and your spouse ‘get’ to change as well. Marriage takes constant work, energy and effort with the end goal of you and your partner growing and changing with each other. Staying married takes effort from BOTH – not just one. If you are struggling in your marriage, please seek marital counseling. Working with a professional can be helpful but know that you and your partner will be doing all of the work...and it aint easy. Thanks for reading. Follow along for more practical mental health insights, psychology, and the occasional meme.

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And until next time...

Awareness up! Jed Thorpe, CMHC.