Men’s Mental Health ~ Buckle Up Buttercup

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how conversations around men’s mental health have become as oversimplified (not unlike my article picture drawing above 🤣). For reals though, a lot of the conversation seems to boil down to, “men just need to open up more.” And sure, sometimes that’s true. But speaking for myself, talking about things more isn’t always the complete answer either. So from a man’s perspective, I wanted to share a little nuance around why I think a lot of men are struggling mentally right now.

I think a lot of men are mentally tired. Not just stressed, but deeply tired in a way that’s been hard for me to understand, let alone explain. But I'll give it a shot...

First off, "tired" seems like too simple of a word. It’s more like a complicated pressure tied to feeling responsible all the time. Tired from trying to keep things together. Tired from feeling like if they stop functioning for too long, things start falling apart around them. And honestly, I think a lot of men get exhausted trying to balance being emotionally stable for everyone else while also being told they need to be emotionally vulnerable all the time too.

Meeting society's expectations feels impossible. Sometimes you’re expected to be the emotional rock in the room and the open emotional processing center simultaneously! But we can't be sure which is expected so we're left kinda wondering and guessing what's needed at the time and if you ask me, a lot of guys (male therapists included) don’t even know what that balance is supposed to look like anymore.

And what’s most concerning to me is that I don’t think guys fully recognize what’s happening while it’s happening. It's elusive to me. As a therapist, I LIVE in the world of emotional process so I can only imagine what it's like for guys out there with jobs where they aren't able to spend as much time trying to figure this emotional male mystery out.... Or maybe it's just me. I know it's not but that's how it feels.

Remember, this isn’t necessarily a ‘bad’ thing – but a lot of us men were raised with messages like: handle it, push through, figure it out, don’t complain, be useful, and don’t become a burden. Which resulted in becoming really skilled at functioning while simultaneously feeling anxious, disconnected, irritable, numb, overworked, distracted, or emotionally backed into a corner. And the weird part is that many men don’t identify that as “mental health” because they still got up and went to work and paid bills and handled responsibilities. So in their mind, they think, “I’m functioning, so I must be fine.” Meanwhile they’re sleeping horribly and emotionally exhausted and losing patience faster than they used to and feeling detached from people they care about.

I also think men and women often communicate differently, and that misunderstanding creates way more conflict than people realize. Generally speaking, men tend to communicate in a more fix-it oriented way. If a problem gets brought up, a lot of guys instinctively start looking for a solution. They hear stress and immediately start mentally troubleshooting: “What can we do about it?” “How do we solve this?” “What’s the next move?”

Women - are - different when it comes to communication. They're not necessarily looking for immediate solutions in those moments. A lot of the time they’re looking for emotional connection and long-form listening first. They want to feel heard and understood before jumping into problem-solving mode. The result? Both sides sometimes frustrate each other.

A man thinks he’s helping because he’s trying to solve the issue. A woman thinks he’s not listening because he’s trying to solve the issue too quickly. Then the guy gets confused because in his mind he’s actively trying to help, while the woman feels emotionally dismissed because she wanted connection before solutions.

I see this dynamic constantly while working with couples and in my own life (married 22 years and counting). And to be fair, these are obviously general patterns and not absolute rules. Plenty of women are highly solution-oriented and plenty of men are emotionally expressive. But I do think there are communication tendencies that show up consistently.

Honestly, some of the deepest conversations I’ve ever had with other guys happened while driving somewhere or mountain biking or working on something or sitting around joking about random stuff for an hour first. Most men I know don’t necessarily want to sit in a perfectly lit room staring directly into each other’s souls immediately - lol. A lot of guys talk better side-by-side than face-to-face.

I’ve also noticed that many men carry a strange combination of pressure and invisibility at the same time. From my own experience, there’s often this expectation to be emotionally stable and financially stable and mentally stable and dependable for everyone else while simultaneously feeling like nobody is really checking how you’re doing underneath all of it.

Then if a guy does finally hit a wall emotionally, people are sometimes shocked because externally he “seemed fine.” But here’s the truth - a lot of us are experts at appearing fine.

And – I hope you’re sitting down for this shocker…social media makes this worse!

Online "discussions” focused on understanding men can become very black-and-white or they subtly correlate any masculine attribute as being toxic. Go ahead – try thinking positively using the word “masculine” – thanks to social media, you can’t. In fact, it’s pretty hard finding a good balance of how to be accepted by society as a male. Quiet men are labeled emotionally unavailable. Angry men are labeled abusive. Men struggling with direction are labeled immature.

Sometimes there’s very little genuine curiosity about what’s happening underneath the behavior. This doesn’t mean men shouldn’t be accountable for their behavior because obviously they should. But understanding behavior and excusing behavior are not the same thing (and one doesn't cancel out the other).

I also think purpose matters more to men psychologically than people sometimes realize. A lot of men (naturally) struggle when they feel disposable or directionless or disconnected from meaning. And purpose doesn’t have to mean status or money either. Sometimes purpose is being a good father or building something meaningful or protecting your family or mentoring somebody or just becoming someone you respect when you look in the mirror. Personally, I think men need spaces where they can be honest without feeling weak and challenged without feeling attacked and supported without feeling patronized.

For the record, vulnerability and strength are not opposites. I’d argue that being honest about fear or grief or shame takes far more courage than pretending everything is fine all the time. Don't even get me started on that word, "vulnerable" because you're probably giving people credit where credit ISN'T due. But that's a whole different topic and I have a session in 10 minutes so need to wrap this up.

Anyway, those are just some thoughts I’ve had lately - both as a therapist and as a guy trying to pay attention.

Are men are carrying more than people realize. What do you think?

I hope you enjoyed this article and if you want to schedule a session - I'm currently taking new clients and accept the following insurances: EMI Health, Select Health, UnitedHealthcare, Blue Cross Blue Shield, and PEHP insurance.

Until next time ~

Awareness UP.

Jed Thorpe, CMHC

Meaning To Live Counseling