Being Rejected by Friends

Being rejected by someone you care about is ROUGH! This is something I’ve experienced myself. I remember the exact moment—it was April 2, 2022, early afternoon. I was sitting on the couch with my wife when I got a text from a friend I had known for 35 years. We’d been friends since I was 14 or 15 years old. Best friends. To me it was a kinship.

He had been busy working on a doctorate, so we hadn’t hung out much in the past year. Initially, I was excited to hear from him thinking he had finally graduated, but that excitement didn’t last long. The message said, in a kind and thoughtful way, that he valued our memories but didn’t want to communicate anymore. It was a polite message—he’s the kind of person who thinks carefully about his words—but even so, it felt like a punch to the gut.

How is someone supposed to react to something like this? I’d been talking a lot about boundaries in my sessions with clients, so I responded with, “Okay, I respect your boundary.” That was that. I showed the message to my wife and said, “I have no idea what’s going on.” To say that the next few months were difficult would be a huge understatement.

For months, I kept asking myself the same questions over and over: Why did this happen? What did I do? Could I have done something differently? I even wondered if maybe he didn’t like one of my videos—after all, I have some that aren’t exactly great. Or maybe he got involved in some secret organization and had to cut everyone off for safety. My brain went in every direction trying to make sense of it.

It also didn’t help that we were part of a close-knit group of four friends. When one of us bailed so completely and without warning, it made me wonder if the others would reject me too. It was a tough time. Eventually, I decided I couldn’t stay in that group anymore. I sent a message in our group chat explaining the situation but in short saying, “Hey, I’m out.” I just didn’t feel safe in that dynamic anymore and it was emotionally safer for me to bounce than to continue in the friend group that I’d had for 30+ years.

They were a cool bunch of guys and discontinuing the connection was a huge loss. But I had to make that decision for my own well-being. At the time, it gave me a sense of control, though in hindsight, I could have done things differently. Still, it was what I needed at that moment.

Losing a friendship, especially one that meant a lot to you, can bring up a mix of emotions—sadness, anger, confusion, and frustration. These feelings are normal. Let’s talk about some things you can do to help yourself move forward.

1. Acknowledge Your Emotions
It’s important to express how you feel. You can do this by journaling, which activates different parts of your brain and helps you process your emotions. Or you can verbalize your feelings. I know that might sound strange, but try saying out loud, “I feel sad,” or “Hello, anger.” It sounds simple, but it’s a mindfulness exercise that helps you pinpoint exactly what you’re feeling.
Just to be clear, when I say to acknowledge your emotions, I don’t mean wallow in them. Acknowledge them and move on—don’t sit in the sorrow for too long.

2. Reflect on the Positive
Focus on the good memories you shared with your friend. My friend’s text said something like, “I will value our memories,” and I think that’s great mental health! Gratitude – I like it. It’s okay to grieve those good times, but don’t slip into the mindset of, I’ll never have that again, or They’re out having fun without me (which is where my thinking was veering towards before sending the break up group text).

Instead, remind yourself how lucky you were to have those experiences in the first place. That shift in perspective can make a big difference in how you feel. Of course, it’s easier said than done, but practice makes better and it’s a step toward healing.

3. Focus on Yourself
Use this time to create something meaningful in your life. It’s okay to distract yourself a little, but even better, find a new purpose or hobby that fills the gap left by the friendship.
Life isn’t always good, but it’s always moving forward.
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Instead of getting stuck in the pain, think about how you can grow from the experience. For me, losing that friendship made me appreciate the other friends I have. It also made me reflect on my own behavior—maybe I’m not as great at communicating as I thought, and there’s room for me to improve. Maybe I could be a better friend.

4. Figure Out What You Could Do Differently
Your brain will keep circling the situation unless you give it some closure. So, ask yourself: What could I have done differently? This isn’t about blaming yourself, but about learning and growing. It gives your brain something productive to focus on instead of spiraling into anxiety about future friendships.

If you’re watching this and thinking, I need to end a friendship too, just be upfront about it. If my friend had told me why he was ending things, I think it would have helped me process it better. But I didn’t ask why at the time—that’s on me. It’s all about living and learning.

Remember, it’s okay to seek support when you need it. Don’t hesitate to reach out to others.

If you’ve gone through something similar, share your story in the comments. Let’s support each other through these challenges. It’s okay to feel your emotions, and it’s okay if life isn’t great all the time. Hopefully, this helps you get through the tough moments. One thing I like to think about is how the happiest times of my life are still ahead of me.

Thanks for reading! If you want to see more content like this, head over to the website at www.jedsaidtherapy.com or the youtube channel @jedsaidtherapy where you'll find a video on this exact topic (video #196). Lastly, keep your chin up. You've got this.

Until next time, awareness up.
Jed Thorpe, Licensed Therapist

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